Pilot Fault Reports.

Some vague fault reports by Pilots and the resultant replies.

Fault: “Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tyre.”

Fault: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Fault: “Number 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution: “Propeller seepage normal.”

Fault: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Solution: “IT DOES NOW.”

Fault: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Fault: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Fault: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Fault: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Fault: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Fault: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Fault: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Fault: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: ” Number three engine found on right wing after brief search.