I couldn’t believe what I saw outside my window!
I had to zoom in, no one in their right mind would do such a thing.
yes I think I know what they are doing, it’s unbelievable they are doing this, but let’s be sure.
Yes I know it, I’m almost convinced at what they are doing, it’s disgraceful.
Oh my god!, they are, they are actually doing it.
Oh my oh my! I’m right! They are actually drinking JD and coke without ICE!!!
How shameful.
Yes, it’s good to be a man.
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules:
Thank you!
Yes, I know, I will be sleeping on the sofa tonight, but, you know what, men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer
Do not use while sleeping.
(crap, that’s the only time I have to do my hair.)
On a bag of potato crisps
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of household soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how . . .?)
On some frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s *just* a suggestion.)
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of box): Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! Helllooooo?)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
Product will be hot after heating.
(As night follows the day.)
On packaging for a Rowena iron
Do not iron clothes on body.
(Extra starch in mine!)
On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
(We could reduce the rate of warehouse & construction site accidents if we could just get those 5-year old kids with colds, off those forklift trucks.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas light
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor
Not to be used for the other use.
(I have to admit, I’m curious.)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts
Warning: contains nuts.
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child’s Superman costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(I don’t blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chain saw
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?)
A major hurricane (Hurricane Geezah) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit a quiet little town of Folkestone (Kent) in the early hours of today with its epicentre at the Social Services Office. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell”. The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementoes from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. BBC Radio Kent reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Folkestone One resident Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning.” Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Heineken to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys Benson & Hedges cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry Alco pop. “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked, “Higham council estate, woss that gotta do wiv you enny arh?” Said the girl, she was informed they were only concerned for her, to which she replied “wotevah!”
Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Folkestone Kent, oh, sod it, most of them won’t be able to read it anyway.
Top thought for 2007
We know exactly where one cow with Mad Cow Disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the country but we haven’t got a clue as to where the “Weapons of mass destruction” are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of National Intelligence.
In Black you can read the word GOOD, in White the word EVIL
You may not see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical, the blue landscape reads the word illusion.
The word TEACH reflects as LEARN.
In brown you can read ME, and when you look through you can read YOU.
Read this text aloud.
By using the same letters in each word, you can get the real meaning.
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE
An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said, “I believe it is the process of thought, It comes to one in a flash.”
“Good try” agreed the Scot, “but I think Blinking is even quicker.”
“Pretty good but not quick enough,” quipped the Welshman. “I am sure electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light”
After a few moments the Irishman cut in,” I believe you all have valid points but I think Diarrhoea wins!” “What the hell are you talking about?” chimed the three other guys.
“Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a Vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o’clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shit myself!
Vocabulary
The brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as “goolies” in slang, so you should for instance say “I’d love to come to the pub but I haven’t got any goolies.” “Quid” is the modern word for what was once called a shilling” — the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
Underpants are called “wellies” and friends are called “tossers.” If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a “great tosser” ( he will be touched. ) The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
Habits
Ever since their Tory government whole heartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three-hour siesta , which they call a “wank.” As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank ( everyone will understand and forgive you. )
Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are “in the know” ( one of the inner circle ), as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you’ve requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as “cottaging.” Many of the boats (called “yer-I-nals”) are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it’s a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today’s robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty’s seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won’t settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant’s list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn’t, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia — try an Ely ’84 or Ripon ’88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
Transport
Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty’s Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell “I think not, you charlatan!”, then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons’ requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are “pence”), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: “Please take me to the British Library.” A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn’t go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you’re not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don’t forget that buses are called “prams” in England, and trains are called “bumbershoots” it’s a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called “lorries” and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the “off licence.” It’s also very important to know that a “doctor” only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an “MP” (which stands for “Master Physician”).
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels.
The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement “Mind the Gappe!” is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.
If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say “Subway” and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fein (an international Jewish peace organisation — the “shin” stands for “shalom”). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Feine stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.
TITANIC VIDEO – £9.99
CLINTON VIDEO – £9.99
TITANIC VIDEO – Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO – Over 3 hours long
TITANIC VIDEO – The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO – The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO – Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO – Villain: Ken Starr.
TITANIC VIDEO – Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO – Bill is a B.S. artist.
TITANIC VIDEO – In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO – Ditto for Bill.
TITANIC VIDEO – During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO – Ditto for Monica.
TITANIC VIDEO – Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO – Let’s not go there.
TITANIC VIDEO – Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
CLINTON VIDEO – Monica’s forced to return her gifts.
TITANIC VIDEO – Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO – Monica goes… never mind.
TITANIC VIDEO – Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO – Bill goes home to Hillary
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
But how will I let you know the baby is born? she asked. He replied, Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses. Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means The doctor said, Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you. Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read.
Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, two without.
“I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, Which is why I would not live forever.”
Miss Alabama 1994
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
Mariah Carey
“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.”
Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today Show.
“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor.
(answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes)
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
Brooke Shields.
during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
Winston Bennett.
Univ. of KY basketball forward
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
Mayor Marion Barry.
Washington, DC
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
Jason Kidd.
Upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
Hillary Clinton.
(commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents)
“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”
Charles De Gaulle.
Former French President.
“That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”
A Congressional Candidate in Texas
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
Dan Quayle.
Former U.S. Vice-president.
And last but not least, a parting word from Dan Quayle: “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
Makes you feel smart, doesn’t it?
Boris Yeltsin called President Clinton with an emergency, “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried; “my people’s favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”
“Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President
“I do need your help,” said Yeltsin, “Could you possibly send 50 Million condoms ASAP to tide us over?”
“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Clinton.
“Oh, and one more small favour, please?” said Yeltsin, “Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?” asked Yeltsin.
“No problem,” replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Cuba. “I need a favour, you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia” “Consider it done,” said the President of Cuba
“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10″ long and 4″ in diameter”
“Easily done Anything else?”
“Yeah,” said Clinton, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one”
Answer 1,331
Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: She can’t find her contraceptive pills.
Ugly: Your daughter used them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You’re wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.
Good: Your son’s finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Good: You’re son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Ugly: He’s you’re best friend.
Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s a lawyer.
Way ugly: She’s screwing the Judge.
