A Wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”
The Husband texts back:
“Gently pour lukewarm water over it, and then gently tap edges with a hammer.”
After around 10 minutes or so the Wife texts back:
“Computer really messed up now and there is smoke coming from the back of it.”
A Guy receives a text from his neighbour by way of guilt confession.
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.
I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face to face. I’m telling you in this text, & I can’t live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.
The truth is that, when you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, & I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt & hope you’ll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I’ll pay you as I am getting it now.
Regards Richard.
After reading the text, Fred was so angry & betrayed, he threw his phone to the ground and it switched itself off, grabbed his shotgun, went next door and shot his neighbour killing him instantly. He went back home and shot his wife with both barrels. He poured himself a stiff drink, picked up his phone, switched it on again and sat down on the sofa to call Police about what he had done.
As his phoned burst back into life he got another text come through, when he read the text from his now deceased neighbour, the second text message read as follows.
Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the Auto Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”
Technology eh! It’ll be the death of us all.
Regards, Richard.
One day Bill complained to his friend Chuck that his elbow really hurt. His friend Chuck suggested that a computer at the health centre that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. “Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”
Bill being a tight bastard, figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the health centre. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the health centre, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him medication. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls, they aren’t yours. Get a lawyer, and if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better.
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text…………..
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.”
.
..
…
….
…..
He replied……..”I am taking a dump what should I do?”
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_gigabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf(“Welcome to Mico$oft”); */
/* printf(“Where the hell we taking you today”); */
if (system_ok())
crash(to_BSOD);
else
system_memory = open(“a:\swp0001.swp” O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(50);
get_user_input();
sleep(500);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(50);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
(Commander) I personally Feel that a lot of these things would be improvements.
Answer 1,331
We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where: 🙂 means a smile and 🙁 is a frown. It is little known that there are also some “emoticons” called “Assicons, here are the most common.
| Assicon | Emotion or meaning | |
| (_!_) | = | Regular arse. |
| (__!__) | = | Fat arse. |
| (!) | = | A tight arse. |
| (_*_) | = | A sore arse. |
| {_!_} | = | A swishy arse. |
| (_o_) | = | An arse that’s been around. |
| (_x_) | = | Kiss my arse. |
| (_X_) | = | Leave my arse alone. |
| (_zzz_) | = | Tired arse |
| (_E=mc2_) | = | A smart arse. |
| (_£_) or (_$_) | = | Money coming out of his arse |
| (_?_) | Dumb arse |
You have just been e-mooned.
A business man and his business wife left the snow in Canada for a vacation in Florida, unavoidably his wife was bound by a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email from his Laptop. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was mis-directed to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away and was buried that day.
When the grieving widow checked her email for messages from those who could not attend the funeral. She took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing blood curdling scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound of this, her family rushed into the room and saw an email from her Deceased Husband on the screen with the following.
My darling Wife.
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow, the shackles are here, see you then.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations.
This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.
The word “engineer” is greatly overused. If there’s somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. Do you…
SOCIAL SKILLS
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
Engineers like to solve problems.
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don’t understand this concept; they believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF “STAR TREK”
Engineers love all of the “Star Trek” television shows and movies. It’s a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it’s true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
Bill Gates.
MacGyver.
Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it’s a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That’s why it’s a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can’t handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them.
The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.“I won’t change anything without asking you first.”
“I’ll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow.”
“I have to have new equipment to do my job.”
“I’m not jealous of your new computer.”
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimisation, that is, “How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?”
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK/REWARD
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it’s a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK:
Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD:
A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defence: “It’s technically possible but it will cost too much.”
EGO
Two things are important to engineers:
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it’s solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal, a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex–and I’m including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can’t be done (a code phrase that means it’s not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: “I’ll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems.” At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but that makes it difficult to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.
If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behaviour. Later you may ask yourself “why on earth did I do that?
Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop, some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do. Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power.
Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.
Some common Computer Viruses to look out for.
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 ARKANSAS EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the state of Arkansas. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.
The ARKANSAS EDITION may be recognised by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. Please also note:
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ARKANSAS EDITION:
Also note that the ARKANSAS EDITION does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 2000:
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the ARKANSAS EDITION.. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y’all!
Billy Bob Gates.
A major computer company called IBEmmy held a large exhibitionof their latest Supercomputer, all the press, computer manufacturers, and software houses attended, and all the big names were there.
After the unveiling of the Supercomputer, the man from IBEmmy said ” this Computer is the most powerful and intelligent machine in existence and knows everything”, when an upstart from a software house stood up and identified himself as William Doors of Macrosoft and said “Does it know where my father is”?.
The man from IBEmmy replied “Why this Computer knows everything”, “please come onto the stage and ask it”. Well William got up onto the stage and picked up the microphone and spoke “Where’s my Father”?.
The Computer Spoke out over the PA system and gave the following answer “He is fishing off the coast of Florida”. “Oh really!”, replied William , he turned to the man from IBEmmy and told him that his father is dead and this thing has got it wrong.
The man from IBEmmy answered by saying “This is a very Precision machine and perhaps you should rephrase the question”. William then picked up the mike and said “Ok, Where’s my Mother’s Husband”?. The Computer flashed a few lights , and after a second or two announced over the PA, “He is in Michigan State Cemetery, but your Father is fishing off the coast of Florida”.
Legal bit.
Characters depicted in this story are purely fictitious and cannot possibly be anyone that you or I know
Customer: “Waiter!”
Waiter: “Hi, my name is Bill and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “There’s a fly in my soup!”
Waiter: “Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.”
Customer:” No, it’s still there.”
Waiter: “Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.”
Customer: “Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.”
Waiter: “Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?”
Customer: “A SOUP bowl!”
Waiter: “Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?”
Customer: “You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?”
Waiter: “Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?”
Customer: “I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!”
Waiter: “Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?”
Customer: “You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?”
Waiter: “Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.”
Customer: “Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.”
Customer: “Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the Bill. I’m running late now.”
Waiter “leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the Bill.”
Waiter: “Here you are, Sir. The soup and your Bill.”
Customer: “This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.”
Customer: “Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.]”
Customer “Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!”
The Bill
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . £5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day . . . . . . £2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . £10.00
Bug in the soup……..included at no extra charge.
(will be fixed with Tomorrow’s soup of the day).
AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
BASIC
Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
DOS
Defunct Operating System
GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out
ISDN
It Still Does Nothing
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs
MICRO$OFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too
PCMCIA
People Can’t Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
RISC
Reduced Into Silly Code
SCSI
System Can’t See It
WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WWW
World Wide Wait
C.
You shoot yourself in the Foot.
C++.
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the Foot.
FORTRAN.
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of Bullets, you continue anyway, because you have no exception handling ability.
COBOL.
USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, then place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP.
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds….
BASIC.
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol, on big systems, continue until the entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH.
Foot in yourself shoot.
APL.
Shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
PASCAL.
The compiler wont let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL.
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
CONCURRENT EUCLID.
You shoot yourself in somebody else’s foot.
UNIX.
% is foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o %rm *.o rm.o No such file or directory % Is %.
XBASE.
Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you’ll have to use Clipper.
PARADOX.
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
VISUAL BASIC.
You cant shoot yourself in the foot, but you have a lot of fun trying
A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech:
What’s the problem?
User:
There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech:
You’ll need a new power supply.
User:
No, I don’t! I just need to change the start-up files.
Tech:
Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.
User:
No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the start-up files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech:
Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User:
I knew it!
Tech:
Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes. Ten minutes later.
User:
It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech:
Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User:
MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech:
That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes. One hour later.
User:
I need a new power supply.
Tech:
How did you come to that conclusion?
User:
Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech:
Then what did he say?
User:
He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.
A guy walks into a Pub and sits down. He starts dialling numbers… like atelephone… on his hand and talking into his hand. The Barman walks over and tells him this is a very rough neighbourhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.” The Barman says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the barman. The Barman talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible”, says the bartender… “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s toilets?” The Barman directs him to the men’s loo’s. The guy goes in and 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.
Fearing the worst given the rough clientel, the Barman goes into the men’s room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper hanging out of his backside.
“Oh god!” said the barman. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?” The guy turns and says: “No, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”
