Kids Archive

2 Boys and the Tampons

Posted August 4, 2017 By Exocet

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight”, the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.” “Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin. “Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”


Posted May 1, 2017 By Exocet

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my Grandfathers farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not fascinating.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

Turpentine vs. Holy Water.

Posted June 19, 2016 By Exocet

A little boy was sitting on  a footpath with a bottle of Turpentine, he was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and saw what the boy was doing and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called Turpentine.”
The Priest said, “No it’s not, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.”

The little boy replied, “Well the thing is, if you rub turpentine on a cat’s Testicles , he’ll pass a Harley Davidson!”

Dad brings home a roadkill for dinner.

Posted September 28, 2015 By Exocet

A man driving home late on night kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is.

The dad said, “This is a different kind of meat for dinner and I want you to guess what it is.” The dad added “I will give you a clue, it’s what mummy calls me sometimes. “The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. It’s an arsehole!”

Holy Trinity +1

Posted April 27, 2015 By Exocet

A Sunday school teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. The children busied themselves with the task in hand and when they had completed the teacher examined the drawings.

She was puzzled by one boys picture, which showed three people and a baby boarding an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. “The flight to Egypt,” said Kyle. “I see. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,” the teacher said. “But who’s the fourth person?” “Oh, that’s Pontius the Pilot.” Replied the boy.

Packs of Condoms.

Posted March 23, 2015 By Exocet

A man walks into a pharmacy with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for teenage boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“Wow!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March…”

Tell Santa next year.

Posted September 21, 2014 By Exocet

Just after Christmas a cop on horse saw a little girl on bike with no lights, “Did Santa get you that?” he yells at the girl “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year or I will arrest you.” The little girl looks up at the cop and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The cop thinks about it for a moment and chuckles he then replied “He sure did!” “Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”

A day at the Zoo.

Posted May 26, 2014 By Exocet

A boy was taken to the zoo by his mother to see the animals, but while they were there a bad storm came and they went home early.

A week later the boys father said “lets go to the zoo and finish seeing the animals as you never got to see them all.” While they were there the boy noticed an Elephant had and erection, he turned to his dad and said “dad whats that?” Pointing to the Elephants erection.

The boys Dad told him that it was his willie, the boy frowned and thought about what his father had said and then replied “only mum said it was nothing!” To this the father replied “that’s the problem with your Mother, there is no pleasing her.”

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Fair Question

Posted November 2, 2012 By Exocet

A farmers son had woken to the smell of breakfast he quickly rushed downstairs to enjoy the food. His Mother told him he has to do some work before he gets any breakfast and must do his work list first.

So he rushed outside and ran into the chicken coup and fed the chickens, he quickly slopped out the pigs and proceeded to milk the Cow. After that he wiped his feet washed his hands and returned to the breakfast table.

He sat down and eagerly waited for the delicious food to be served, but instead his mother scolded him and said “You ran into the Chicken coup so fast you scared the hens and now they won’t lay tomorrow so you’re not getting any eggs.” She continued, “I saw you kick the pig that was in your way when you were trying to get out of the pen, so no Bacon for you my lad!”

She then stated that he had hit the cow with a plank to get it into the milking shed faster and therefore he wasnt getting any milk with his cereal or butter for his toast. So the boy looked forward to a plate of tomatoes and mushrooms for breakfast with dry cereal and dry toast.

It was at that point that his father the farmer had walked in and nearly tripped on the cat and kicked it. As the Father sat down for his breakfast the boy said to his Mum “You going to tell him or shall I?”

Cutting moments

Posted October 20, 2012 By Exocet

Two Boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the operating theatre, the first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second boy says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first boy says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Peanut butter on toast, jelly and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second boy then asks, “What are you in here for? The first boy says, “I’m having a circumcision.”

The second boy says, “HOLY SHIT! Good luck with that!”  “I had that done when I was born, and I couldn’t walk for a year.”

New child behaviour technique

Posted March 24, 2012 By Exocet

We found this new technique so compelling and potentially effective, we felt duty-bound to post it.  Please note that we take no credit whatsoever for this positively inspired approach although hastens to add that we whole heartedly endorse the technique.

The email we received with this information was many times forwarded, so we are uncertain of the original source.  However, it is attributed to Mr. Cyril Blintz.

Though we find no listing for Mr. Blintz in the annals of neither psychiatry nor any listing amongst the authors of books on the upbringing of children, it is clear he is one of the foremost experts in this area. Why Mr. Blintz’s new technique has not been more widely circulated we can only attribute to a conspiracy of silence among UN.  We rail against the narrow-minded thinking that would suppress such a valuable technique!

Quote from Child Psychiatrist Dr. Pepper.

Much has been said about “tough love” for misbehaving children. Most of Britain and western world’s populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so my wife and I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of “those moments”.

One that we found very effective is for me to take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together. I’ve included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son Robert, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely, Happy dit dit dit.





Spank him!

Posted February 21, 2012 By Exocet

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby it was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5-year-old daughter.

The doctor instructed the girl to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The girl did so.  The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby boy by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
“Spank him again,” the girl said. “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place.”

Smart Kid

Posted February 17, 2012 By Exocet

An Infant teacher, Ms. Smith, was having trouble with one of her pupils. The teacher asked, “The boy, what’s your problem?”

The boy answered, “I’m too smart for the Infants. My sister is in the juniors and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the juniors too!”

Ms. Smith had had enough. She took the boy to the Headmasters office.

While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the headmaster what the situation was. The headmaster told Ms. Smith he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the Infants and behave.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Headmaster: “What is 3 x 3?”
The boy: “9.”

Headmaster: “What is 6 x 6?”
The boy: “36.”

And so it went with every question the headmaster thought a junior should know.

The headmaster looks at Ms. Smith and tells her, “I think the boy can go to the juniors.”  Ms. Smith says to the headmaster, “Let me ask him some questions.”  The headmaster and the boy both agreed.

Ms. Smith asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
The Headmaster was horrified and his eyes opened wide.
The boy: “Legs.”

Ms Smith: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The headmaster wondered why would she ask such a question!
The boy replied: “Pockets.”

Ms. Smith: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
The boy: “Pants.”

Ms. Smith: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
The headmaster sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
The boy: “Coconut.”

Ms. Smith: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The headmaster’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the boy, he replied.
The boy: “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Smith: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
The headmaster was trembling.
The boy: “Shake hands.”

Ms. Smith: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
The boy: “Firetruck.”

The headmaster breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put the boy in the seniors.” Ms Smith asked “Why the seniors?” to which the headmaster replied “I got the last seven questions wrong.”

Lipstick in School.

Posted November 22, 2011 By Exocet

A certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the School governor decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.


Dark in here.

Posted November 13, 2011 By Exocet

A woman takes her lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here ennit.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
“I have a football.”
“That’s nice.”
“Want to buy it?”
“No, thanks.”
“My dad’s outside.”
“OK, how much?”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

“Dark in here.”
“Yes, it is.”
“I have football boots.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy “£75”
Man “Sold.”

A few days later, the boys’ father says to the boy, “Grab your boots and football, let’s go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and boots.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says “£100.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to Church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, ” Dark in here ennit.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again. You’re in my cupboard now”

Fire Enginuity.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

A Fireman was cleaning a Fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the Fireman says with admiration.
“Thanks” the girl says.

The Fireman looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. The Fireman says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar too, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl replies thoughtfully
“You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn’t get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a van loose – was always great fun.

We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because, we were always outside playing. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. We were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have PC’s, Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms. we had friends and we went outside and found them.

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!*

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how todeal with it all.

If you are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!*

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good, and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kids on…..

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls upon a boy for an answer. He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.” The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then boy then says, “I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” The boy replied, “The correct answer is ‘ the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.”

A boy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.”Why?” asks the father. The teacher asked “How much is 2×3?” “I said ‘6’” replies Roger. “But that’s right!” says his dad.

“Yeah, but then she asked me “How much is 3×2?'” “What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father. “That’s what I said!” replied the boy.


Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

A Science teacher, asks his class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?” Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first Pupil to look his way. “Can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

The girl stands up, blushing furiously. “Sir, how dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents”

The teacher is shocked by the girls reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time a boy raises his hand. “Yes, lad?” says the teacher.

“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”
“Very good. Thank you.”

The teacher then turns to blushing girl and says, “Young lady, I have 3 things to tell you:

  1. “It’s clear that you have NOT done your homework.”
  2. “You have a DIRTY mind.”
  3. “I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”


Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

Tommy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mummy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked Little Tommy. “Giving up?”

Little Tommy went to a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Tommy asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”

His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. “Tommy, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Postman wants to buy Mum.”

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Tommy stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Tommy?” “No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Field Trip
Tommy’s School was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. “Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.” Little Tommy asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”