An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replied, “That would be my wife.”
A man walked into a curio shop and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. “That will be £10 for the brass rat and £1,000 for the story behind it,” said the proprietor. “Thanks, but I’ll just pay the £10 and pass on the story.” He purchased the brass rat and left the shop.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly. “Ah-ha!” said the proprietor. “You’ve come back for the story, right?” “Nope,” said the man. “You have any brass Police men?”
The Mafia was looking for a new bag man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job. The thinking behind was if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
After a few weeks, the collector picks up over £100,000, but he gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realises that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf and dumb collector. The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf and dumb collector can’t communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to a signing interpreter.
The Mafia henchman says to the interpreter, “Ask him where the money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” The dumb man signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the gangster, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the dumb bag man. “Now ask him where the money is!” The interpreter signs, “Where is the money? The deaf man signs back, “The £100,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.” The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios the farmer and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of my truck, and he’s still wriggling. What should I do?” The farmer replied “In the back of your tractor you will find a loaded shotgun so shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush.” The farm worker says okay and signs off.
About 10 minutes later he radios the farmer back. “Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.” “So what’s the problem now?” Snapped the farmer. “The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!”
A blonde female driver was speeding in a 30 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s licence. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, “What does a driver’s license look like?” Irritated, the blonde cop said, “You idiot, it’s got your picture on it!” The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s licence” and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. If I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this.”
Just after Christmas a cop on horse saw a little girl on bike with no lights, “Did Santa get you that?” he yells at the girl “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year or I will arrest you.” The little girl looks up at the cop and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The cop thinks about it for a moment and chuckles he then replied “He sure did!” “Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”
An Al Qaeda terrorist had been shot dead by the London Metropolitan Police. After a lengthy investigation and the follow up report of the incident a police spokesman was speaking on behalf of the 4 armed Police officers at the London Coroners court hearing.
When the Coroner asked why the terrorist had 682 bullet wounds in the torso, the Spokesman for the Police replied “That’s all we had your honour.”
