Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital.

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hot-line, please select an option from the following choices”

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press; no one will answer.
• If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
• If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
• If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.
• If you are blonde, please don’t press any buttons; you’ll just mess it up.