A Summary of Problems found by the serious drinker
| Problem | Reason or probable cause | Suggested remedy |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction or taste. Front of shirt wet. | Mouth not open while drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. | Buy another pot & practice in front of mirror (repeat until technique perfected) |
| Drink fails to give satisfaction or taste. Beer unusually pale and clear. |
Glass empty. | Find someone to buy you another drink. |
| Feet cold and wet | Glass being held at wrong angle. | Turn glass so that open end is upwards. |
| Feet warm and wet | Loss of self control. | Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain to owner and demand a drink in compensation. |
| Bar blurred | You are looking through bottom of empty glass. | As for number 2 |
| Bar swaying. | Air turbulence unusually high maybe due to darts match in progress. |
Insert broom handle down back of jacket. |
| Bar moving | You are being carried out. | Find out if being taken to another pub, if not complain loudly that you are being hijacked. |
| Opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has light fittings in it. |
You have fallen over backwards. | If your glass is full and drinking arm free stay put.. If not get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar. |
| Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of fag ends and broken teeth. |
You have fallen over forwards | As for number 8 |
| You feel sharp pains in your rear. | You are standing too close to the pool table. | Ask to have the pool table moved. |
| Everything is going dark. | The pub is closing | 1. Panic 2. Find another pub fast 3. Rush to Off Licence |
| You wake up and find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. | You’ve spent the night in the gutter. | Check your watch to see if it is opening time, if not treat yourself to a lie in. |