Sex problems in a Marriage.

A married man felt the sex life in his marriage lacked that something so he wrote his wife a note outlining his points and feelings.

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often.

  • We will wake the kids.
    54 times
  • It’s too late.
    15 times
  • I’m too tired.
    42 times
  • It’s too early.
    12 times
  • It’s too hot.
    18 times
  • Pretending to be asleep.
    31 times
  • The neighbours will hear.
    9 times
  • Headache or backache.
    26 times
  • Sunburn.
    10 times
  • Your mother will hear us.
    9 times
  • Not in the mood.
    21 times
  • Watching the late film.
    17 times
  • Too sore.
    26 times
  • New hairdo.
    6 times
  • Wrong time of the month.
    14 times
  • You had to go to the bathroom.
    19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby.

The wife read his letter and replied with her own letter pointing out the shortcomings mentioned.

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:

  • Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.
    23 times
  • Did not come home at all.
    36 times
  • Did not come.
    21 times
  • Came too soon.
    38 times
  • Went soft before you got it in.
    19 times
  • Cramps in your leg.
    16 times
  • Working too late.
    33 times
  • You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat.
    29 times
  • Caught yourself in your zipper.
    15 times
  • You had a cold and your nose kept running.
    21 times
  • You had burned your tongue on hot coffee.
    9 times
  • You had a splinter in your finger.
    11 times
  • You lost the notion after thinking about it.
    42 times
  • Came in your pyjamas after reading a dirty book.
    16 times


The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”


Love, Your Wife