Problem Reason or probable cause Suggested remedy
Drinking fails to give satisfaction or taste. Front of shirt wet. Mouth not open while drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. Buy another pot & practice in front of mirror (repeat until technique perfected)
Drink fails to give satisfaction or taste.
Beer unusually pale and clear.
Glass empty. Find someone to buy you another drink.
Feet cold and wet Glass being held at wrong angle. Turn glass so that open end is upwards.
Feet warm and wet Loss of self control. Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain to owner and demand a drink in compensation.
Bar blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass. As for number 2
Bar swaying. Air turbulence unusually high maybe due to darts match in
Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar moving You are being carried out. Find out if being taken to another pub, if not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has light
fittings in it.
You have fallen over backwards. If your glass is full and drinking arm free stay put.. If not
get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.
Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of fag ends
and broken teeth.
You have fallen over forwards As for number 8
You feel sharp pains in your rear. You are standing too close to the pool table. Ask to have the pool table moved.
Everything is going dark. The pub is closing 1. Panic
2. Find another pub fast
3. Rush to Off Licence
You wake up and find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. You’ve spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if it is opening time, if not treat yourself to a lie in.