Women Archive

Crashed Harley, the nurse, and the Wife!

Posted February 1, 2019 By Exocet

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for (I thought I was in heaven).

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess”

Frozen Windows

Posted January 23, 2019 By Exocet

A Wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning:
Windows frozen, won’t open.”

The Husband texts back:
“Gently pour lukewarm water over it, and then gently tap edges with a hammer.”

After around 10 minutes or so the Wife texts back:
“Computer really messed up now and there is smoke coming from the back of it.”

Tickle Me Elmo toys.

Posted March 5, 2017 By Exocet

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

A Blonde Woman called Anita is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door, the foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Anita surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles, the two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter, after several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Anita. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday, your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

Elderly couples, lodger.

Posted November 25, 2015 By Exocet

An older couple living in a small rural town took on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. They lived in a very small house, and there was no indoor plumbing. The girl asked if she could have a bath, and the woman of the house explained that she and her husband took baths in a tin bathtub in front of the living room fireplace.

“Monday would be the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl,” the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young thing didn’t have any pubic hair. She told her husband when he came home, but he didn’t believe her.

The woman said, “Next week, when you go off to bowl, I’ll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?”

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, “Do you shave down there?”

“No,” replied the girl, “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair on yours?” “Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed, the husband came home and the wife asked, “Well, did you see it?” “Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours?”

“Why not?” she replied, “You’ve seen it before.” “I know,” he said, “but the rest of the bowling team hadn’t!”

The writing’s in the snow.

Posted October 12, 2015 By Exocet

Father looks out the window sees writing in the snow. He gets furious and yells for his wife to come and look for herself.

“What’s the matter, dear,” his wife asks. “It’s our daughter’s new boyfriend, he’s written his name in the snow with pee.”

“Oh dear,” the wife said, “But that’s not so bad really, he must care for her to do that.”

But the Father was not amused and stated “But it’s in her own handwriting!”

Comfortable.

Posted October 5, 2015 By Exocet

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving for the auctions, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll fax you to drive out after me and transport it home.”

The brunette arrives at the auctions, inspects the bulls, and decides she wants to buy one. Eventually she finally gets a prize bull for £499.00.

After buying the bull, she drives to the town to send her sister a fax to tell her the news. She walks into a facsimile bureau, and says, “I want to send a facsimile to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the horsebox to our pickup and drive out here so we can take it home.”

The fax operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s £2.50 a fax.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has £1.00 left. She explains this to the operator and he said he would let her send one word for the £1.00 she has remaining. She realises that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”. The facsimile operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to transport that bull back to your farm if you send her the word, comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word is big, she’ll read it slow and read it as com for da bul.”

Face slap in a train carriage.

Posted August 31, 2015 By Exocet

A Glaswegian, an Australian, a Nun and a attractive woman sit on a train. The lights in their car are defective consequently in every tunnel it gets really dark.

The train drives through a tunnel, it gets dark and suddenly you hear a slap and someone cries out in pain. When it gets bright again its obvious that the Austrian was slapped in the face.

  • The nun thinks
    The Australian tried to grope the young woman, so she slapped him.
  • The young woman thinks
    He tried to grope me but messed up and touched the nun so she slapped him.
  • The Australian thinks
    That Scottish guy tried to grope the woman and she tried to slap him, missed and slapped me.
  • The Glaswegian thinks
    In the next tunnel I’ll slap him again.

Two Smokers.

Posted June 22, 2015 By Exocet

Two retired women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain, one of the women pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Her friend said “What’s that?” to which she replied “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

Her friend asked where she got it and was told to get them from the pharmacy.

The next day, The second lady hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The girl behind the counter looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. The elderly lady then says “It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.”

The girl fainted.

Talented.

Posted June 1, 2015 By Exocet

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, “Are you looking at my pussy?” “Yes, I’m sorry” replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

“It’s quite alright,” replies the woman, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you.” Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do. “I can also make it wink,” says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

“Come and sit next to me,” suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?”

Stunned, the man replies, “F*** me! Can it whistle as well?”

Elderly Women Drivers.

Posted April 13, 2015 By Exocet

Two elderly women Mary & Edith were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to a junction, the traffic light was red but they just went on through. Edith in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another junction and the light was red again and again they went right though.
This time Edith was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next junction to see what was going on.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the Mary and said, “Mary! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mary turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

Lie Detector Mirror.

Posted April 6, 2015 By Exocet

There is a very special mirror. If you stand in front of this mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish. However, if you tell a lie, POOF! you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.” POOF! The mirror swallows her up and is never seen again.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I think I’m the sexiest woman alive!” POOF! The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes and stands before the mirror and says, “I think…” POOF! She is swallowed up and is never seen again.

Mothers concern over her teenage daughter.

Posted February 23, 2015 By Exocet

A mother of a 17 year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control, talk to her and give her a box of condoms to start her off.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl started to laugh: “Mum, you don’t need to worry about that! Susan can’t get me pregnant.”

Dumb Blonde fights back.

Posted February 16, 2015 By Exocet

A blonde woman was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.

Her friend tells her “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the world capitals or something?”

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two months studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m not a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name all the world capitals.”

The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of China?”

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s C !”

3 Daughters marry same day.

Posted December 26, 2014 By Exocet

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn’t afford it and neither could their parents. So the parents said “We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married”. So they got married and all three daughters then said “I want a honeymoon but we can’t afford it”. The parents couldn’t afford it either so they decide they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on the honeymoon night their mother woke up and decided to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter crying but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it also.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter “Why were you crying?” And the daughter replied “Well mother you told me it’s ok to cry when something hurt.” Then the mother said to the second daughter “Why were you laughing last night?” and the daughter replied “Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled”. Then the mother said to the last daughter “Why didn’t I hear anything coming from your room last night?” and the daughter replied “Well mum you told me never to talk with my mouth full”.

Man Shop.

Posted December 25, 2014 By Exocet

A superstore that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch, as you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?” The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. But, there must be further up!” And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh my, just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

The librarian and the Blonde

Posted December 1, 2014 By Exocet

A Blonde woman walked into the town library and join the Queue for service, after a short while the librarian said “How may I help you?” the customer replied with “I would like a quarter pounder with cheese, fries and a coke please”. The librarian looked amazed by this request and it was clear to see so were other library customers.

The librarian regained her composure and quietly said “This is a library”, the customer looked around to discover that indeed it was a library. She turned back to the librarian and whispered “I would like a quarter pounder, fries and a coke?”

DUH!

Blonde driving licence.

Posted October 1, 2014 By Exocet

A blonde female driver was speeding in a 30 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s licence. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, “What does a driver’s license look like?” Irritated, the blonde cop said, “You idiot, it’s got your picture on it!” The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s licence” and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. If I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this.”

Raisin Bread.

Posted September 12, 2014 By Exocet

A general store owner hired a young female assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the assistant, and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread, please,” the man said politely. The female assistant nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descended the ladder, he mused that he really should get two loaves, as he was having company for dinner. As the girl retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on.

Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male patron was asking for raisin bread, just to see the assistant climb up and down. After many trips, she became tired and irritated and began thinking that she would have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again at the top of the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking it might save her a trip, she yelled at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin, too?” “No,” croaked the old man, “But it’s starting to come to life.”

God and Eve’s secret.

Posted September 4, 2014 By Exocet

Eve was in the Garden of Eden feeling rather dull, bored and lonely, she decided to go to the centre of the garden and call for Gods guidance.

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?” Eve asked.

 “This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He will lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; overall, he will give you a hard time. However, he will be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you have been complaining, I will create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

 “Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Well … you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

 “As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret. You know, woman to woman.”

Female bikers bar.

Posted August 15, 2014 By Exocet

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the person who served him, “Hey, you want to hear a blonde girl joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind, you should know five things.

  • The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  • The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  • I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  • The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional body guard.
  • The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wish to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”

SMS Text from a Romantic Wife

Posted July 21, 2014 By Exocet

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text…………..

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you.”

.

..

….

…..

He replied……..”I am taking a dump what should I do?”

Flowers for a brunette.

Posted June 30, 2014 By Exocet

A blonde and a brunette were out walking in the shopping precinct, as they walk past a florist the blonde woman noticed the brunette’s boyfriend buying flowers.

She told her friend that her boyfriend was getting her some flowers when the brunette exploded and said “Oh no, no, no!” The blonde was puzzled by her friend’s reaction and asked whats wrong? The brunette explained that now she will be expected spend the weekend on her back with her legs in the air.

The blonde was musing over this and then turned to her friend and said “Why don’t you get a vase?”

Womans critical information.

Posted May 13, 2014 By Exocet

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is drying off from her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bert, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bert says, “I’ll give you £900 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bert. After a few seconds, Bert hands her £900 thanks her and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bert from next door.” She replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the £900 he owes me?”

Wife’s Diary

Posted February 18, 2013 By Exocet

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can’t explain his behaviour I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep — I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

 

To show no bias, we took this sneak preview of the husbands diary for the same time

Husband’s Diary:

Boat wouldn’t start, can’t figure it out.

Keeping hands warm.

Posted September 28, 2012 By Exocet

An innocent virginal girl was in the car with her mother and stuck in traffic says “oh my hands are freezing” Her mum replies “Put them between your legs, it’ll warm them up.” Sure enough it did the trick and warmed them up.

The next day she’s with her boyfriend walking in the park, they sat on a bench to take in the view when her boyfriend says “My hands are freezing” She says “Put them between my legs, it’ll warm them up.” Some time later the boyfriend then says “My penis is frozen” to which the girl said the same thing “Put the penis between my legs to warm it up.”

Later in the evening the girl asks her Mother “Have you ever heard of a Penis?” “Mum says “Yes why?” The girl says “Don’t they make a fucking mess when they defrost!”

Bear