Surveys & Forms Archive

Like a new born baby.

Posted March 14, 2015 By Exocet

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really! Like a newborn baby?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shit myself”

Oral Sex survey.

Posted October 17, 2005 By Exocet

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what aspect THEY liked  best about Oral Sex.

The responses were as follows:

  • 3% liked the warmth.
  • 4% enjoyed the sensation.
  • 93% appreciated the silence.

Potty Insurance claims.

Posted October 17, 2005 By Exocet
  1. I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
  2. A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road.
  3. I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
  4. Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
  5. A: Travelled by bus?
  6. On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
  7. From a client who collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
  8. Q – What warning was given by you?
  9. A – Horn
  10. Q – What warning was given by the other party?
  11. A – Moo
  12. I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind.
  13. I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
  14. On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn’t give way.
  15. Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by my arms and the first slapped me several times across the face. I kneed the man in the groin but didn’t connect properly so I kicked him in the shin.
  16. I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
  17. I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight
  18. I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.
  19. Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?
  20. No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
  21. I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
  22. First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.
  23. Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.
  24. The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again
  25. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
  26. We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies’ loo.
  27. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment.
  28. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  29. I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn’t when I put my head through it.
  30. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  31. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
  32. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  33. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  34. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  35. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
  36. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
  37. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.
  38. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  39. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
  40. I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  41. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
  42. I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car
  43. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth
  44. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows

Barmy Officialdom

Posted October 17, 2005 By Exocet

You know one time the world looked at the English and set their standards based on what they saw, they admired the freedom enjoyed by the English, what they didn’t realise is, its all fake, once there was a Magna Carta (bit of worthless paper).

For Example, did you know that you can be OFFICIALLY WARNED of the pain and suffering you will receive by not committing an offence, but you may be committing an offence as there is no record of you not committing an offence. Confused?

Some time ago, some bloody fool said that  you are innocent until proven guilty (probably a drunk, or hippie on Acid), as you can be warned about the offence you haven’t commited or intend to.

Here’s why:-
The Address has been removed to protect the unproven Inncocence (or guilt for that matter).

Click to Enlarge


Click to Enlarge

But in fairness, the English, and by all accounts Scottish have a sense of humour read the reverse side of the “OFFICIAL WARNING”. Great news for the Blind.

So the Armed Police can perform an armed raid on you and very likely to shoot you for because the DVLA (Driver and Vehicle Licencing Authority have no record of you paying for your vehicle road tax for the car you don’t own.

To Assist, we have compiled some mostly asked questions.

Q. Does this mean that although I don’t have a car, I have to pay road tax on it.?
A. Depends where you live.

Q. I’m Blind can I get a 50% discount on my drivers licence?
A. NO! Fu%*ing way, that only applies to blind people watching TV, Idiot!.

Q. I am invalid  and riddled with arthritis do I need a licence for the machine gun mounted on the Military Tank I don’t have.
A. Now you’re being stupid! you need to have passed a driving test first (must be a liberal).

Q. I am 92 and live on life support, do I need a licence for my potty chamber?
A. No! we need the Sh%&t for the cabinet, besides you were retired at 65, and you have no right to have lived the extra 26 years.

Q. I am having a baby, do I need to get a licence for officially having Sexual Intercourse?
A. No, but had you paid the TV licence and possessed a TV you wouldn’t be in that condition. But you have given us a good idea.

Q. I am Captain Fantastic and fought in the last 3 world wars, I will be 100 next week do I need a licence to go to the Palace to get my Birthday card from the Queen?
A. No, but do you realise how much money it will cost to get you there, breast feed you, change your incontinent pants, armed Police guard, paramedic road sweeper in case you croak on route. Why don’t you stay at home we will send a scanty strippergram to aid you in your cardiac arrest, its far more cost effective ya fucking old git!.

So you now understand don’t you, it amounts to the fact that you are guilty because you cannot prove you are innocent of the offence that  there is no record of you not committing.

Americans say God Bless America.
English say Blessed country.

Mc Donalds Job Application.

Posted September 17, 2005 By Exocet

A job application a 19 year old male submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment, they employed him because he was so honest.

NAME
Peter Jones

SEX
Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION
Company Chairman. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY
£100,000 a year plus stock options and a Banking style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD
Target for middle management hostility.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes

REASON FOR LEAVING
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS
12:30-1:30 p.m., Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50Lbs?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Prize Draw.

DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Efficiency Reports.

Posted September 17, 2005 By Exocet

Actual lines out of Military OER’s (Officer Efficiency Report)

  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
  • A room temperature IQ.
  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming
  • So dense, light bends around him
  • If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate
  • If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week
  • Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports

  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out morbid of curiosity
  • I would not breed from this officer
  • He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy
  • This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar
  • Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig
  • Sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them
  • Has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
  • This Officer is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
  • This man should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better
  • He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction

Some answers given on Family Fortunes.

Posted September 17, 2005 By Exocet

Some odball answers given in family fortunes.

A famous Scotsman
Jock

An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers.
A horse

A jacket potato topping.
Jam

A food that can be brown or white.
Potatoes

A sign of the zodiac.
April

A job a working dog does.
Slave

Something with a hole in it.
A window

Something people might be allergic to.
Skiing

A type of large cat.
Persian

A type of record.
Floppy disc

Something associated with pigs.
The police

non-living object with legs.
A plant

domestic animal.
Leopard

Something red.
My cardigan

A kind of ache.
Filet-o-fish

Something you beat.
An apple

A dangerous race.
The Arabs

A number you have to memorise.
Seven

Some famous brothers.
Bonnie and Clyde

Something that floats in the bath.
Water

Something in the garden that’s green.
The shed

Something a blind man might use.
A sword

Something you wear on the beach.
A deckchair

A famous cowboy.
Buck Rogers

An animal you might see at a zoo.
A dog

A famous bridge.
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

A part of the body beginning with the letter N.
Knee

Something you put on walls.
Roofs

Something you do in the bathroom.
Decorate

A famous Royal.
Mail

Something slippery.
A con-man

A way of cooking fish.
Cod

A form of transport you can walk around in.
My foot

A method of securing your home.
Put the kettle on

Something you do before going to bed.
Sleep

Something a cat does.
Goes to the toilet

An animal beginning with the letter B.
Bullfrog

The last thing you take off before going to bed.
Your feet

Something that makes you scream.
A squirrel

Something you have with coffee.
The Sunday Sport

A song with ‘Moon’ in the title.
‘Blue Suede Moon’

Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine.
A bicycle with wings

Something with a red light on it.
A Dalek

Something you open other than a door.
Your bowels

Quality Managment.

Posted August 17, 2005 By Exocet

As part of the Company’s quality management, all employees work performance has to be   evaluated. Listed below are the definitions used in assessments made by manager or supervisory grades. Employees have no right of consultation with any person connected with these assessments. Any attempt to talk to, persuade or influence any manager or supervisor will result in instant dismissal

Knowledge

  1. Son of a bitch really knows his shit.
  2. Knows just enough to be dangerous.
  3. National spokesman for “Lobotomies are us”.
  4. Fucker’s brain dead, wood has a higher IQ.

Attitude

  1. Very co-operative (Kisses arse frequently).
  2. Brown noses in poor standing.
  3. Often pisses off colleagues, Thinks its his job.
  4. Doesn’t give  a shit, never did never will.

Accuracy

  1. Does excellent work when not masturbating.
  2. Acceptable, passed his 11plus on 5th attempt.
  3. Takes shoes of to count higher than ten.
  4. Cant count his or get the same number twice.

Reliability

  1. Dependable little cock sucker.
  2. Can rely on him at evaluation time.
  3. Can rely on him being to be first out of the door.
  4. Totally fucking worthless.

Appearance

  1. Extremely neat, (even combs his pubic hair).
  2. Looks great at evaluation time.
  3. Dirty smelly ugly bastard.
  4. Flies leave shit to follow him.

Performance

  1. Goes like a son of a bitch when money is involved.
  2. Does ok at appraisal time.
  3. Works well if kicked in the Arse every minute.
  4. Could only do less work by being Dead.

Leadership

  1. Carries a Hammer to get results.
  2. Occasionally told to get fucked.
  3. The Pope would tell him to fuck off.
  4. Couldn’t lead a pack of Wolves to Meat.

Condom catch phrases.

Posted August 17, 2005 By Exocet

After a survery of various names for condoms, the results for brands and catch phrases are found below.

  • Nike Condoms:
    Just do it.
  • Toyota Condoms:
    Oh what a feeling.
  • Diet Pepsi Condoms:
    You got the right one, baby.
  • Pringles Condoms:
    Once you pop, you can’t stop.
  • Macintosh Condom:
    It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
  • Ford Condoms:
    The best never rest.
  • Avis Condoms:
    Trying harder than ever.
  • KFC Condoms:
    Finger-Licking Good.
  • Coca Cola Condoms:
    Always the Real Thing.
  • Campbell’s Soup Condoms:
    Mmm, mmm, good.
  • General Electric Condoms:
    We bring good things to life!
  • AT&T Condoms:
    Reach out and touch someone.
  • Bounty Condoms:
    A taste of paradise.
  • Mars Condoms:
    Helps you work rest and play.
  • Microsoft Condoms:
    Where do you want to go today?
    (if she gets pregnant, MS will give you a service release pack 98837).
  • Energiser Condoms:
    It keeps going and going and going….
  • Treets condom:
    It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
  • Doublemint Condoms:
    Double your pleasure, double your fun!
  • The Star Trek Condom:
    To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Pilot Fault Reports.

Posted August 17, 2005 By Exocet

Some vague fault reports by Pilots and the resultant replies.

Fault: “Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tyre.”

Fault: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Fault: “Number 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution: “Propeller seepage normal.”

Fault: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Solution: “IT DOES NOW.”

Fault: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Fault: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Fault: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Fault: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Fault: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Fault: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Fault: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Fault: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: ” Number three engine found on right wing after brief search.

McDonnell Douglas Warranty

Posted June 17, 2005 By Exocet

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.


1. Title and name.
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Rank.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name:………………………………………………
Last Name: ………………………………………………
Password: ………………………… (max 8 char)
Code Name: ………………………………………………
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ……….. ……….. ……….

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase
Year/Month/Day):
……. / ……. /…….

4. Serial Number
………………………………………….

5. Please Tick where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please Tick how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please Tick the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please Tick the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Central / South America
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Europe
[_] Middle East
[_] Africa
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Classified

9. Please Tick the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Tick all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller?s Cheque

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
[_] Government Intern

13. To help us understand our customers’ lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future – as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDonnell Corporation
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800, St. Louis, MO

Stephen Parfait
I.T. Manager
Roderick Manhattan Group
E-mail stephenp@mdouglas.com



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