Senior Citizens Archive

Romance

Posted February 7, 2019 By Exocet

A Wife was lying in bed one night as her husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, the husband reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck.”
Angrily, the husband threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed and proceeded to the bathroom.

“Where are you going?” the wife asked.
“To get my teeth!” the husband replied.

Seniors never get enough exercise.

Posted January 20, 2019 By Exocet

In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Senior Citizen and the Receptionist.

Posted July 31, 2018 By Exocet

There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her/him what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Well 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?” “There’s something wrong with my dick”, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.” “Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people, you should have said  there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear.” The old man stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken the given advice. “What is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter!

Why some elderly folk are alone at Christmas

Posted November 27, 2016 By Exocet

Christmas is a time of families and friends to gather and exchange gifts (or not) and join in the spirit of Christmas cheer except a few who will remain alone at this festive time of year.

Here is one reason why.

Elderly couples, lodger.

Posted November 25, 2015 By Exocet

An older couple living in a small rural town took on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. They lived in a very small house, and there was no indoor plumbing. The girl asked if she could have a bath, and the woman of the house explained that she and her husband took baths in a tin bathtub in front of the living room fireplace.

“Monday would be the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl,” the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young thing didn’t have any pubic hair. She told her husband when he came home, but he didn’t believe her.

The woman said, “Next week, when you go off to bowl, I’ll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?”

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, “Do you shave down there?”

“No,” replied the girl, “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair on yours?” “Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed, the husband came home and the wife asked, “Well, did you see it?” “Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours?”

“Why not?” she replied, “You’ve seen it before.” “I know,” he said, “but the rest of the bowling team hadn’t!”

Satan attends a Sunday worship

Posted September 1, 2015 By Exocet

A few minutes before the services started, the people were sitting in their pews and talking prior to the Vicar attending his services. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church, everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Within seconds, everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yes of course I do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked. “No I am not.” said the man.
“Don’t you realise I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan. “Don’t doubt it for a minute.” Replied the man in a calm voice.

“Don’t you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?” insisted Satan. “Yes of course I do.” The man replied.

“You’re still not afraid?” asked Satan. “No I am not.” Replied the man.

Satan was somewhat  disturbed by this man’s lack of fear finally asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man calmly looked Satan in the eye and replied, “Been married to your sister for the last 42 years.”

Wrong Colour Suit

Posted July 1, 2015 By Exocet

An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit. The mortician apologised and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day.

When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied. “His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.”

Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker.

“After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”

60th, School Reunion.

Posted June 29, 2015 By Exocet

A widower and a widow had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage and blurted out, “Will you marry me?” After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes … yes I will!” The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say yes? Or did she say no? He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. So with fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say yes or did you say no?”

“Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will and I meant it with all my heart.”

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued, “And I am so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who asked me!”

Two Smokers.

Posted June 22, 2015 By Exocet

Two retired women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain, one of the women pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Her friend said “What’s that?” to which she replied “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

Her friend asked where she got it and was told to get them from the pharmacy.

The next day, The second lady hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The girl behind the counter looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. The elderly lady then says “It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.”

The girl fainted.

Bowel Movements.

Posted April 20, 2015 By Exocet

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One 75 year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7am and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

An 80 year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at 8am and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The 92 year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.”

“So what’s your problem?” asked the others. The 92 year old replies “I don’t wake up until nine.”

Elderly Women Drivers.

Posted April 13, 2015 By Exocet

Two elderly women Mary & Edith were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to a junction, the traffic light was red but they just went on through. Edith in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another junction and the light was red again and again they went right though.
This time Edith was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next junction to see what was going on.

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the Mary and said, “Mary! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mary turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

Pink Dildo.

Posted March 16, 2015 By Exocet

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales assistant “Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?”

The assistant, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models.”

The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?”

The assistant responds, “Yes we do”.

“Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?”

Rolls used for collateral.

Posted December 28, 2014 By Exocet

An elderly Jewish man walks into a plush City bank and says he wants to borrow £2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says “I’ve got a Rolls Royce keep it until the loan is paid off.” He handed over the keys and the security officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping. The man collects his £2,000 and leaves.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the £2,000 loan, plus £50.00 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, “Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand pounds?” The man answers, “I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for fifty pounds?”

Mavis, Mabel and the condoms.

Posted December 23, 2014 By Exocet

Two old ladies Mabel and Mavis were outside the retirement home smoking, when it started to rain. They both put on their hats and Mabel took out a condom, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette. Mavis said, “Hey, that’s a good idea. What’s that called?” Mabel responded, “It’s a condom.” The Mavis said, “Where can you get one of those?” She said, “Oh, just about any superstore or pharmacy.”

So, the next day, Mavis went to a local pharmacy, went up to the cashier, and said, “I need to get some condoms.” The cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said, “OK what size?” The lady responded, “Hmm, one that would fit a camel.”

Drunkard in Biker bar.

Posted November 14, 2014 By Exocet

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, stark naked she was. Man, she is fine!”

The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His pals were confused, because he was a bad arse, and would fight anyone at the drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is a good lay, the best I ever had!”

The biker still said nothing, but his pals were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it way too much!”

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, “Damn it, Granddad, you’re drunk! Go home!”

Blowing hot & cold.

Posted September 18, 2014 By Exocet

An elderly married couple scheduled their medical check up on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner.

After the husband’s exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?” “In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly.”

The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that idiot”, she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

Grannies, 100th birthday bash.

Posted September 16, 2014 By Exocet

An elderly lady who reached 100 years old, was wheeled by the family out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate with others. After a short time out on the lawn, members of the family noticed granny was started leaning off to the right. Some family members held her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right to help keep her upright.

A short time later, family members noticed she was leaning off to the left, so again, the family held her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon after this, she started leaning forward, so the family members again held her upright, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to the lady and said, “Hi, Gran, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

Quick thinking at the Pension office.

Posted September 15, 2014 By Exocet

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. The man looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked. The woman paused and then said, “Unbutton your shirt.” The man opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.

The woman said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” as she processed his Pension application. When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants you might have qualified for disability, too.”

Burger with that extra.

Posted September 14, 2014 By Exocet

A little old lady sat down at the luncheonette counter in the local day care centre and ordered a hamburger. The huge, sweaty guy behind the counter bellowed, “One burger!” Then he grabbed a hunk of chopped meat & onion stuffed it into his bare armpit. He pumped his arm a few minutes to squeeze it flat, and then tossed it onto the grill.

The old lady said, “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!” The young cashier said, “Really? You should be here in the afternoon when he makes the doughnuts!”

Raisin Bread.

Posted September 12, 2014 By Exocet

A general store owner hired a young female assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the assistant, and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread, please,” the man said politely. The female assistant nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descended the ladder, he mused that he really should get two loaves, as he was having company for dinner. As the girl retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on.

Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male patron was asking for raisin bread, just to see the assistant climb up and down. After many trips, she became tired and irritated and began thinking that she would have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again at the top of the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking it might save her a trip, she yelled at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin, too?” “No,” croaked the old man, “But it’s starting to come to life.”

A Flash in the park.

Posted September 12, 2014 By Exocet

Three old ladies named Gertrude (81), Maude (82), and Tillie (93) were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation and feeding the birds with breadcrumbs, when a flasher approached from across the park.

He came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat and exposed himself to them.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tillie, being older and feebler, couldn’t reach that far.

Elderly ladies new pet.

Posted September 10, 2014 By Exocet

An elderly lady was lonely and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the glass tank he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely, too. Buy me, and you won’t be sorry.”

The old lady figured what the hell, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. After driving down the road a few miles the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, and you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured why not? She kissed the frog and immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy young man. Then the man kissed her back passionately, and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she could find.
(She’s old, not dead!)

Full Monty – Breakfast

Posted August 25, 2014 By Exocet

A couple had been married for 62 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old man said to his wife, “Just think, sweetheart, we’ve been married for 62 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, “62 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said, “We were sitting here naked as the day!”

“Well…” his wife snickered, “What do you say, should we get naked?”

The old man nodded, and the two of them took all their clothes off and sat back down at the table. “You know, my love,” the old lady whispered breathlessly, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 62 years ago.” “I’m not surprised,” replied her husband. “One’s in your tea and the other’s in your egg!”

Heart broken widow.

Posted August 15, 2014 By Exocet

A 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in Heaven or Hell so as to be with him once more.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out her late husband’s old army revolver and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to everyone, she went online to the internet so as to find out the exact location of the Heart on a woman. She soon learned that the Heart is located just below the left breast.

Later that night, the woman had a stiff drink closed her eyes placed the gun to the correct position gritted her dentures and fired the revolver.

Neighbours who heard the gunshot called the police who in turn called for an ambulance whereby she was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

70 year old man gets a makeover.

Posted August 9, 2014 By Exocet

A man decides to have a facelift and full makeover for his 70th birthday. He spends a whole year’s pension and feels really good about the results.

On his way home, he stops at a news stand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales lady, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 70,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonald’s for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29”. “I’m actually 70.” Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, “I’m 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thinks, what the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 70.” Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonald’s.”

Bear