Religion & Spiritual Archive

Seniors never get enough exercise.

Posted January 20, 2019 By Exocet

In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Hot work cleaning the church.

Posted October 14, 2016 By Exocet

Several Nuns were busying themselves cleaning and decorating the local church, it was a very hot summers day and the nuns were getting exhausted working in their habits in the heat. They decided to lock the church doors and strip down to their underwear whereby they could continue the work during the hot summer afternoon stopping only to take some refreshing tea.

After they had stopped for some lunch they continued with the tasks in hand when a heavy knocking was heard at the church doors, silence fell upon the nuns who were a little surprised as they were still only wearing underwear.

The Sister Superior approached the door and asked who was there, to which the reply came “It’s the blind man”, realising it was safe to let him in she unlocked the door and let the blind man in. As he entered the church he turned to the Sister superior and said “Nice tits, where do you want the blinds?”

Turpentine vs. Holy Water.

Posted June 19, 2016 By Exocet

A little boy was sitting on  a footpath with a bottle of Turpentine, he was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and saw what the boy was doing and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called Turpentine.”
The Priest said, “No it’s not, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.”

The little boy replied, “Well the thing is, if you rub turpentine on a cat’s Testicles , he’ll pass a Harley Davidson!”

Hells Angel becomes a Jehovas Witness

Posted March 14, 2016 By Exocet

A Hardened Hells Angel was getting very pissed off at people knocking his door at 8am Sunday mornings so he decide to go to the Jehovas Church and sort them out.

He got on his bike and went to the church, where he was greeted and fed and given coffee after some time he became a follower.

He now spends his Sunday Mornings knocking on peoples door and tells them to fuck off!

Satan attends a Sunday worship

Posted September 1, 2015 By Exocet

A few minutes before the services started, the people were sitting in their pews and talking prior to the Vicar attending his services. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church, everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Within seconds, everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yes of course I do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked. “No I am not.” said the man.
“Don’t you realise I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan. “Don’t doubt it for a minute.” Replied the man in a calm voice.

“Don’t you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?” insisted Satan. “Yes of course I do.” The man replied.

“You’re still not afraid?” asked Satan. “No I am not.” Replied the man.

Satan was somewhat  disturbed by this man’s lack of fear finally asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man calmly looked Satan in the eye and replied, “Been married to your sister for the last 42 years.”

7 dwarves visit the Pope at the Vatican.

Posted August 26, 2015 By Exocet

The seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope answered the door, Dopey stepped forward. “You’re Excellency,” he said. “I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?” “No, Dopey, there aren’t,” the Pope replied.
Behind Dopey, the six dwarfs started to titter.

“Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?” Dopey persisted. “No, none in Italy,” the Pope answered more sternly.
The other dwarfs began to laugh openly.

“Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?” This time the pope was much more firm. “Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”
By this point, the other dwarfs were laughing out loud and rolling on the ground.

“Pope” Dopey demanded. “Are there any dwarf nuns in the world?” “No Dopey!” He snapped. “There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

Upon hearing this answer from the Pope the other six dwarfs started jumping up and down chanting, “Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!”

Holy Trinity +1

Posted April 27, 2015 By Exocet

A Sunday school teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. The children busied themselves with the task in hand and when they had completed the teacher examined the drawings.

She was puzzled by one boys picture, which showed three people and a baby boarding an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. “The flight to Egypt,” said Kyle. “I see. And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,” the teacher said. “But who’s the fourth person?” “Oh, that’s Pontius the Pilot.” Replied the boy.

The girl, panties and the Priest.

Posted December 23, 2014 By Exocet

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl back down and gives her £50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on.”

The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened at the church.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, and whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and goes to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady £2.50 and says, “Take this money and for God’s Sakes, buy yourself a razor!”

Priest and Rabbi on a train.

Posted December 23, 2014 By Exocet

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying “I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork, but have you actually ever tasted it?” The Rabbi said, “I must honest, yes, I have, on the odd occasion.”

The Rabbi looked at the priest and asked, “Your religion, too. I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But…” The priest replied, “Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.”

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”

The Hippie and the Nun.

Posted November 5, 2014 By Exocet

A hippie called Tony gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. After a while the hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, very surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, “If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.”

The hippie of course says that he’d love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. “If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” says the bus driver, “You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.”

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she’s in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first,” he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having anal sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, “Ha ha, I’m Tony the hippie!” The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!”

Joe, God and the lottery.

Posted November 5, 2014 By Exocet

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray.

“God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, Please let me win the lottery.” The following week comes and its lottery night he eagerly sits in front of the TV and sees somebody else wins it. Joe goes back to the church and again prays. “God, please let me win the lottery, I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well, amen.” He waits the week out and again its lottery night he watches the TV and finds again someone else has won it.

Now he is getting very depressed and is now losing the plot. He goes to the church once more and prays, “God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: “Joe, you need to meet me halfway on this, go and buy a ticket.”

The Trucker, the Priest and the Taliban.

Posted October 4, 2014 By Exocet

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over Taliban. Whenever he saw a Taliban walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the satisfying “THUMP”, and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest. “No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a Taliban walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him, but then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the Taliban.

However even though he was certain he missed the Taliban, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that Taliban.” “That’s okay my son”, replied the priest. “I got him with the door!”

Amish family in the city for the first time.

Posted September 25, 2014 By Exocet

A 17 year old Amish boy and his father were in a shopping centre in the city for the first time ever. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, the one thing that really intrigued them was the silver wall that could move apart then slide back again.

The boy was completely gob smacked and asked, “What is this Father?” The father never having seen a lift (elevator) before responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat wrinkly old lady hobbled up to the moving wall and pressed a button. The wall opened, and the lady walked into to the small room the other side. The wall closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the wall light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number where it seemed to pause a short while, then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the wall opened up again and a gorgeous 20 something blond stepped out.

The father’s legs almost gave way from shock he couldn’t take his eyes off the beautiful young woman. As she walked out their sight he turned to his son and said “Go and fetch your Mother.”

Care home speeder

Posted September 13, 2014 By Exocet

An elderly lady named Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the care home where she resided, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long corridors. Because Ethel was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents and staff tolerated her antics, and some of the male residents (also a sandwich or two short of a picnic) actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding down one of the corridors when a door opened and Crazy Chuck stepped out with his arm outstretched. “Stop!” he said in a firm voice, “Have you got a licence for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Chocolate wrapper and held it up to him. Crazy Chuck examined the document and gave it back, “OK, it’s all in order” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Barmy Bill popped out in front of her. “Stop!” he said, “Where’s your proof of insurance?” Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Barmy Bill nodded and said, “Carry on, ma’am it’s up to date.” Once more Ethel was speeding her way along the corridors.

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the sickbay, Barmy Bert stepped out in front of her, stark naked and, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. “Oh, no!” said Ethel, “Not the breathalyser again!”

God and Eve’s secret.

Posted September 4, 2014 By Exocet

Eve was in the Garden of Eden feeling rather dull, bored and lonely, she decided to go to the centre of the garden and call for Gods guidance.

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?” Eve asked.

 “This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He will lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; overall, he will give you a hard time. However, he will be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you have been complaining, I will create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

 “Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Well … you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

 “As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret. You know, woman to woman.”

Origin of Jesus.

Posted August 18, 2014 By Exocet

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black.

  1. He called everyone brother.
  2. He liked Gospel.
  3. He didn’t get a fair trial.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish.

  1. He went into His Father’s business.
  2. He lived at home until he was 33.
  3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian.

  1. He talked with His hands.
  2. He had wine with His meals.
  3. He used olive oil.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian.

  1. He never cut His hair.
  2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
  3. He started a new religion.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian.

  1. He was at peace with nature.
  2. He ate a lot of fish.
  3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

 

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish.

  1. He never got married.
  2. He was always telling stories.
  3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all, is that Jesus was a woman.

  1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food
  2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it
  3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Fanny Green

Posted September 15, 2012 By Exocet

Peter goes to his local church and entered the confessional, the sitting priest says “tell me your sins my son.”
Peter then states his confession, “Bless me father, I had sex with Fanny Green twice last week.” The Priest absolves him of his sin and orders him to say gives him 5 Hail Mary’s and put £5.00 in the church fund box for penance.

Mickey goes in next, the Priest asks “What is your sin my son?” Mickey replies with “Bless me father, I had sex with Fanny Green three times this week.” The priest issues him with 10 Hail Mary’s and £10.00 in the church fund box and absolves him of his sin.

After 15 minutes or so Keith goes into the confessional, the priest says “What is your sin my son?” Keith replies I had sex with Fanny Green 11 times last week and 15 times the week before.” The priest is speechless for a moment or two but then issues penance’s of £50.00 in the church fund box, 10 Hail Mary’s 10 hours community service to the local retirement home.

The priest also enquires whom this woman Fanny Green is, as he has never heard of her before today. Keith said “she is new in town and has only been here for about two months.” Keith leaves puts the money into the church fund box kneels before the altar and says his Hail Mary’s.

On the following Sunday during mass a beautiful woman sashays up the aisle wearing a green mini skirt and matching green shiny patent shoes. She sits in the front seat opposite the priest, her long slender legs slightly apart (Sharon Stone style).

The priest and altar boy are gob smacked, they cannot take their eyes off her. The priest composes himself and whispers to the altar boy “Is that Fanny Green?” “No”, says the altar boy, “I think its just the reflection off her shoes”.

A Good Taliban

Posted May 12, 2012 By Exocet

taliban-man

A member of the Taliban goes to heaven and knocks on the pearly gates for entry. St Peter opens it and asks what he wants? The Taliban member replied “I want to come in to heaven.” St Peter said ” We don’t want your  kind in here, go away!” The Taliban member protested, stating he is a good and kind man, only last week he gave £10 to children in need, £10 to a hospice, £10 to Heart foundation and £10 to a homeless man.

St Peter said “wait here I will see what god says,” and goes away. A little time later he returns to the Taliban member and says, “I have conferred with God and he agrees with me that you have shown kindness, here’s your £40 back, now fuck off!”

New child behaviour technique

Posted March 24, 2012 By Exocet

We found this new technique so compelling and potentially effective, we felt duty-bound to post it.  Please note that we take no credit whatsoever for this positively inspired approach although exocet-silo.com hastens to add that we whole heartedly endorse the technique.

The email we received with this information was many times forwarded, so we are uncertain of the original source.  However, it is attributed to Mr. Cyril Blintz.

Though we find no listing for Mr. Blintz in the annals of neither psychiatry nor any listing amongst the authors of books on the upbringing of children, it is clear he is one of the foremost experts in this area. Why Mr. Blintz’s new technique has not been more widely circulated we can only attribute to a conspiracy of silence among UN.  We rail against the narrow-minded thinking that would suppress such a valuable technique!

Quote from Child Psychiatrist Dr. Pepper.

Much has been said about “tough love” for misbehaving children. Most of Britain and western world’s populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so my wife and I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of “those moments”.

One that we found very effective is for me to take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together. I’ve included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son Robert, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely, Happy dit dit dit.

 

 

 

 

Leprechaun’s help

Posted March 10, 2012 By Exocet

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfers ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. “Arrgh! What happened?” the Leprechaun asked. “I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,” the golfer says.

“Oh, I see. Well, you got me fair and square. You get three wishes, so what do you want?” “Thank God, you’re all right!” the golfer answers in relief. “I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologise.” and the golfer walks off.

“What a nice guy,” the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.”

A couple of years go by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is they’re waiting for him.

“That was me that made you hit the ball here,” the little guy says. “I just want to ask you, how’s your golf game?” “My game is fantastic!” the golfer answers. “I’m an internationally famous golfer now.” He adds, “By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.”

“Oh, I’m fine now, thank you. I did that for your golf game, you know. And tell
me, how’s your money situation?”
“Why, it’s just wonderful!” the golfer states. “When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out large bank notes I didn’t even know were there!” “I did that for you also.” And tell me, how’s your sex life?”

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, “It’s OK.” Come now,” urged the Leprechaun, “I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?” Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, “Twice, sometimes three times a week.”

“What?” responds the Leprechaun in shock. “That’s all?” “Only two or three times a week?” “Well,” says the golfer, “I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

Birth Fertility

Posted March 10, 2012 By Exocet

Mrs. Donovan was walking down the high street when She met up with Father Riley. The Father said, “Top of the morning to you, aren’t you Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry you and your Husband two years ago?” She replied, “Aye, that you did, Father.”

The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?” She replied, “No, not yet, Father.” The Father said, “Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a fertility candle for you and your husband to help bring you little ones.” She replied, “Oh, thank you, Father.” They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, “Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are you these days?” She replied, “Oh, very well, Father!” The Father asked, “And tell me, have you any wee ones yet?”

She replied, “Oh yes, Father, two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all.” The Father said, “That’s wonderful! And how is your loving husband doing?” She replied, “He will be back tomorrow, he’s in Rome to blow out your F%!king fertility candle.”

Best Pub Toast

Posted March 10, 2012 By Exocet

Pete was well and truly oiled in the pub, he hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my Life, between the legs of my wife.”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She replied “That is nice, what was your toast?” He said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” “Oh, that is very sweet of you.” His wife said.

The next day, Peter’s wife ran into one of Peter’s drinking pals on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “Hi there, you know Pete won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you.”

She said, “Yes he told me, and I was somewhat surprised myself.” “You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep on me”

Just not cricket

Posted February 24, 2012 By Exocet

Two long time friends Arthur and Peter were the biggest cricket fanatics in the world.

For their entire adult lives, Arthur and Peter discussed cricket history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the test match season. They went to 80 games a year.

They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was cricket in heaven. One summer night, Arthur passed away in his sleep after watching the England v Pakistan team victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Peter awoke to the sound of Arthur’s voice from beyond.

“Arthur is that you?” Peter asked, “of course it me,” Arthur replied. “This is unbelievable!” Peter exclaimed. “So tell me, do they have cricket in heaven?”

“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you, which do you want to hear first?” “Tell me the good news first.” “Well, the good news is that, yes, there is cricket in heaven, Peter.” “Oh, that is wonderful!

Peter then asked “so what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re in the first innings tomorrow night.”

Moses dies and goes to heaven.

Posted February 18, 2012 By Exocet

God greets him at the Pearly Gates. “Are you hungry, Moses?” asks God.
“I could eat,” Moses replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, croissants, pastries, and wines. Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.

The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again it’s tuna and rye bread. Again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles, and chocolates.
Still he says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can’t contain himself any longer.  Meekly, he says:

“God, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in that “other place” they all eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand.”

God sighs. “Lets be honest,” He says. “For just two people it’s hardly worth the effort to cook?”

The Nun, Mary and the Pencil.

Posted February 18, 2012 By Exocet

Mary was not the best student in the Catholic School and generally slept through the classes.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. “Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?”

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, “Very good” and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Saviour?” But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary in the rear once more.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, “Very good,” and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.

The Nun asked her a third question.
“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”

The nun fainted.

Bear