Rednecks Archive

Letter from a farmer turned Marine.

Posted February 24, 2012 By Exocet

Dear Ma & Pa,

Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man DeHaan by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc…, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food.
But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don’t bother you none. This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing.

I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Cooper boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this set-up & come stampeding in.

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is 200 Dollars towards a new barn roof & ma’s teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

Your loving daughter, Gail.

10. I’m gonna pump you full o’ lead.

9 .Give me a stiff one barkeep.

8. Don’t fret boy, i’ve been in tighter spots before this.

7. Howdy pardner

6. You stay here while I sneak around from behind.

5. Two words, Saddle sore.

4. Hold right there! Now move your hands real slow.

3. Lets mount up.

2. Nice spread you got here.

The number one is-

Ride em cowboy!

Poetry Contest.

Posted November 13, 2011 By Exocet

National Poetry Contest finalists, are down to two contestants. One is a University Law School student from a very well to do family, the other is a Redneck from South East Alabama junior school. The rules are: The contestants have 60 seconds to compose a four line poem which must contain the word Timbuktu. The clock starts, the men are thinking, after about 30 seconds the Law student jumps up and says:

“Slowly across the desert sand
Treks the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.”

The crowd went wild. How on earth could the Redneck top that. The Redneck stands up and slowly walks to the microphone, then says:

“Tim and me a huntin’ went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three and we was two
I bucked one and Timbuktu.”

Son inlaw.

Posted March 11, 2004 By Exocet

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator, what are you doing?” She exclaimed.The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. “What are you doing?” He exclaimed, the daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the couch, “what the hell are you doing?” She asked. He replied, “Watching the football with my son-in-law”……

Wines of Wal-Mart

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering a new discount item, Wal-Mart’s own wine.

The U.S.A’s. largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of CA, to produce spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but “there IS a market for cheap wine”, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: “The right name is important.”

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for Wal-Mart brand.

Top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

  1. Chateau Traileur Parc.
  2. White Trashfindel.
  3. Big Red Gulp.
  4. World Championship Riesling.
  5. NASCARbernet.
  6. Chef Boyardeaux.
  7. Peanut Noir.
  8. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar.
  9. Grape Expectations.
  10. Nasti Spumante.

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

Chilli cookout contest

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the car park at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Thomas, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast of New Jersey.

Thomas: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event.

Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli.

  • Judge1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
  • Judge2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
  • Judge3 (Tom) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli.

  • Judge1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
  • Judge2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
  • Judge3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli.

  • Judge1. Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
  • Judge2. A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
  • Judge3. Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Bubba’s Black Magic.

  • Judge1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
  • Judge2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
  • Judge3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac.

Linda’s Legal Lip Remover.

  • Judge1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
  • Judge2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
  • Judge3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety.

  • Judge1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
  • Judge2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
  • Judge3 I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli.

  • Judge1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
  • Judge2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
  • Judge3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chilli.

  • Judge1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
  • Judge2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chilli?

Etiquette.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

GENERAL

  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  • Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine.
  • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING

  • A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

HYGIENE

  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly. This is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
    However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no. They tend to detract from a woman’s jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

  • Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested. “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 1:00 PM; others might say Monday. If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE

  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

  • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot.
  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING

  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.
  • Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.

More telltale signs your’e a Redneck

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet
  • Directions to your house include, “turn off the paved road”.
  • Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-In Theatre.
  • You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
  • Somebody hollers Hoe Down and your girlfriend hits the floor.
  • You buy lard wholesale.
  • You eat a bowl of beans in order to take a bubble bath.
  • You’ve ever hollered, You kids quit playing on the sheet metal.
  • Your truck is insured by Smith Wesson.
  • Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
  • You and your wife’s family reunion are one and the same.
  • Your best linens have the Property of Motel 6 printed on them.
  • Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
  • You have three first names.
  • Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.

Tell tale signs your’e a redneck

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

  • Directions to your house include, turn off the  paved road.
  • Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-In Theatre.
  • You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
  • Somebody hollers Hoe Down and your girlfriend hits the floor.
  • You buy lard wholesale.
  • You eat a bowl of beans in order to take a bubble bath.
  • You’ve ever hollered, You kids quit playing on the sheet metal.
  • Your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.
  • Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
  • You and your wife’s family reunion are one and the same.
  • Your best linens have the Property of Motel 6 printed on them.
  • Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
  • You have three first names.
  • Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.

Signs youre a high tech redneck

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet
  • Your e-mail address ends in @over.yonder.com.
  • You connect to the World Wide Web via a Down Home Page.
  • If the bumper sticker on your truck says, My other computer is a laptop.
  • Your laptop has a sticker that says, Protected by Smith and Wesson.
  • You’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
  • Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
  • You wire your network with jumper cables
  • Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don’t miss her.
  • You’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.
  • You ever refer to your computer as Ole Bessy.
  • You start all your e-mails with the words, Howdy y’all.
  • Your spell checker knows words like, Y’all, Yonder, and Reckon.
  • Your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.
  • Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5 hard drive.
  • You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn’t block the velvet picture of Elvis.
  • Your mouse keeps knocking over your spittoon.
  • Smith & Wesson…the original point N click interface.
  • When you’re friends comment on your nice boots and you say, “ea thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS.
  • When your wife catches you again with your farm Animals of the Orient CD-ROM.
  • When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and PCMCIA sockets.

Predictions.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

A film crew was on location  in Ohio. One day a  Redneck woman was driving her lawnmower, stopped,  went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow its going to rain.”

The next day it rained. A week later, the woman went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow there is gonna be a storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm.

“This woman is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the woman to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the woman didn’t show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for her. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?” The woman shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know the  Radio is broke.”

On the scent.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

A Redneck woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the Redneck woman and says arrogantly, “Ralph Lauren… $150 an ounce!”

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the Redneck woman saying, “Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce”

About three floors later, the Redneck woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, “Broccoli… 49 cents a pound.”

Jesus saves.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

A bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, “Barkeeper, set me up a cold one!” “Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?” The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed “Don’t touch me! I’m drawin’ disability!”

Hickphonics.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

Hickphonics is listed as Southern slang, or Hickponics. As a language, is taught in all southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonic English dictionary:

  • HEIDI – noun. Greeting.
  • HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
    Usage: Heidi. Hire yew.
    (Hi how are you).
  • BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow.
  • Usage: My brother bard my pickup truck.
    (My brother borrowed my pickup truck.)
  • JAWJUH – noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
    Usage: my brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.
    (My brother from Georgia borrowed my pick up truck).
  • MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
    Usage: my brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.
    (My brother from Georgia borrowed my pickup truck and I haven’t heard from him in months.)
  • FAR – noun. A conflagration.
    Usage: If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the orll in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.
    (If my brother from Georgia doesn’t change the oil in my pickup truck, that thing is going to catch fire.)
  • BAHS – noun. A supervisor.
    Usage: If you don’t stop reading these southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you.
    (If you don’t stop reading these southern words and get back to work, your boss is going to fire you.)
  • TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
    Usage: Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.
    (Lord willing and the creek doesn’t flood, I sure hope to see the Eiffel Tower in Paris sometime.)
  • RETARD – Verb. To stop working. Usage:
    My grampaw retard at sixsee farve.
    (My grandfather retired at 65).
  • TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
    Usage: I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy ma arms are tarred.
    (I just flew in from Atlanta, and boy my arms are tired.)
  • RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
    Usage: We southerners arr willin to fat for arr rats.
    (We southerners are willing to fight for our rights.)
  • FARN – adjective. Not local.
    Usage: I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed.muss be from some farn country.
    (I couldn’t understand a word he said. Must be from some foreign country.)
  • DID – adjective. Not alive.
    Usage: He’s did, Jim.
    (He’s dead Jim.)

Free sex with your fuel

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

Two Corntuckians went to a fuel station that was holding a contest:

A chance to win “Free Sex” when you filled your tank. They pumped their tanks and went to pay the attendant who said, I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10, if you guess right you win free sex. Okay, agreed one, I guess seven. Sorry, I was thinking eight. replied the attendant.

The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. Two! said the second man. Sorry, it’s three, said the attendant, come back and try again.

As they walked out to their car, one redneck said to the other, I think this contest is rigged, No way, said his buddy, My wife won twice last week.

A Northern fairytale begins
Once upon a time.

A Southern fairytale begins
Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.

The Beverly hillbobbits

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

Come listen to a story ’bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his tally whacker gone.
It seems one night after gettin’ with his wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena’s in the car takin’ Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.

Curve, that is
Tossed the nub
In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed over there
To John Wayne’s henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, Hey, I can fix that dong!
A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee’d.

Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape.

Video, that is.
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Y’all sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear!!!

20 year of marriage secret.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

A couple that were married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years of this, the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset.

You impotent bastard, she screamed at him, how could you be lying to me after all these years. You had better explain yourself!.

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly… I’ll explain the dildo if you explain the kids.

2 Million Dollar Sluts.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

A young boy went up to his father and asked, What is the difference between potentially and realistically? The father pondered for a while, then answered, Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars? The mother replied Of course I would. I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.

The boy then went to his sister and asked, Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? The girl replied Oh gosh! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!

The boy thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?

The boy replied, Yes, potentially we’re sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we’re living with a couple of sluts.

The father replied, That’s my boy!

Vasectomy, Southern style.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

After having their eleventh child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from kentucky. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . , at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

(Commander) I personally Feel that a lot of these things would be improvements.

  • Their Number 1 product would be Microsoft Winders
  • Instead of an hourglass icon you’d get an empty beer bottle
  • Occasionally you’d bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag
  • Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
  • Instead of tada.wav the opening sound would be dueling banjos.wav
  • The Recycle Bin in Winders’95 would be an outhouse
  • Whenever you pulled up the sound player you’d hear a digitised drunkredneck yelling Feebird!
  • Instead of Start Me Up the Winders’95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
  • PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
  • Microsoft’s programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++
  • Winders’95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
  • Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
  • Instead of latte carts we’d have grits carts
  • New Shutdown wav: Y’all come back now, Yah hear?
  • Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called “Cuz”
  • Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
  • Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
  • Speadsheet software would include examples in inventory, dead cars in your front yard
  • Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
  • Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
  • Instead of asking “where do you want to go today? it’s more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ride in the back?
  • Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad

A Starfleet Captain might be a Redneck if…

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet
  • Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
  • He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
  • He refers to any intelligent alien race as “critters”.
  • He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.
  • He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminium foil.
  • He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
  • He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.
  • He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
  • He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
  • He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
  • He says “Yea Haw! Let’s get this puppy movin!!!” instead of “Engage”.
  • He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
  • He insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”.
  • He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of “Bassmaster”.
  • He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
  • He paints the starship John Deere green with racing stripes.
  • He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.
  • He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.
  • His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
  • He sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”.
  • His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
  • He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
  • His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
  • He sets phaser to “Cajun”.
  • He has ordered the Chief Engineer to dig out the jumper cables.
  • The warp reactor is coated in duct tape ,Bond-O, and Super-Glue.
  • He orders the Sickbay to carry castor oil and turpentine.
  • He lights his cigarettes with his laser pistol.
  • He keeps livestock in the cargo bay.
  • He refers to the Kobiyashi Maru test as “the best target practice I ever had.”.
  • NightHe orders the ship into time warp so he can have another go at the “Tuesday All-You-Can-Eat Ribs” buffet.
  • The ship, all the shuttlecraft, and the ship’s mascot are all named after his favourite movie actresses.

Your Jedi Knight might be a Redneck if….

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet
  • His light sabre is made by Smith & Wesson.
  • He Uses his light sabre to cut the bottle cap off a beer.
  • He says “these are not the beers you’re looking for”.
  • That “Disturbance in the Force” was just last night’s baked beans and spare ribs.
  • He uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up.
  • The Force isn’t the only thing that runs in the family.
  • He calls Hank Williams.”The Master”.
  • His land speeder has a gun rack.
  • He meditates to old CCR records.
  • He calls Yoda his Li’l green buddy..
  • His X-Wing has a still in it.
  • His light sabre has a bottle opener in the base.
  • There is more oil in his robes than in his astromech droid.
  • He trims his beard with his light sabre.
  • He uses his light sabre to light the barbecue grill.
  • He uses Jawas for a drink holder.
  • He fights with a light sabre in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
  • He uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
  • He thinks the best use of your light sabre is picking his teeth.
  • He ever lost a hand during a light-sabre fight because he had to spit..
  • His Jedi robe is Camo coloured.
  • At least one wing of his X-Wing is primer.
  • He can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
  • He can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
  • He think that Storm troopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
  • He has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
  • His father ever said to him, “Shoot, son, come on over t’ the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”.
  • He’s ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
  • He jump-starts his light sabre off a car battery.
  • He beat the Gamorrean Guard in an “Ugly” contest.
  • His father’s name is Garth Vader.
  • He got his light sabre by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.
  • He constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs.
  • He’s ever used a light sabre to skin a deer.

Foibles.

Posted February 10, 2004 By Exocet

How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck hotel?
When you call the front desk and say I’ve gotta leak in my sink and the person at the front desk says go ahead.

How can you tell if a Alabama Redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

They have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call reruns of Hee Haw; in Mississippi?
A documentary.

God invented Armadillos? So that Texans can have Possumon the halfshell.

Where was the toothbrush invented? Oklahoma.
If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

A man,s cousin passed away and he called 911.
The 911 operator informed him that she would send someone out right away. Where do you live?, asked the operator. He replied, At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. The operator asked, Can you spell that for me?. There was a long pause and fhe inally said, How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there.

Bear