Marriage and Relationship Archive

Romance

Posted February 7, 2019 By Exocet

A Wife was lying in bed one night as her husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, the husband reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck.”
Angrily, the husband threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed and proceeded to the bathroom.

“Where are you going?” the wife asked.
“To get my teeth!” the husband replied.

Twenty pounds is twenty pounds.

Posted February 25, 2017 By Exocet

Bill and his wife Teresa go to the county air show every year, and every year Bill would say, “Teresa, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Teresa always replied,” I know Bill, but the helicopter ride is twenty pounds, and twenty pounds is twenty pounds.”

One year Bill and Teresa went to the fair, and Bill said, “Teresa, I’m 75 years old, If I don’t get a ride in the helicopter I might never get another chance.” To this, Teresa replied, “Bill that helicopter ride is twenty pounds, and twenty pounds is twenty pounds”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny. But if you say one word then you pay twenty pounds.”

Bill and Teresa agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, “Wow, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t, I’m impressed.” Bill replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Teresa fell out, but, twenty pounds is twenty pounds.”

Elderly couples, lodger.

Posted November 25, 2015 By Exocet

An older couple living in a small rural town took on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. They lived in a very small house, and there was no indoor plumbing. The girl asked if she could have a bath, and the woman of the house explained that she and her husband took baths in a tin bathtub in front of the living room fireplace.

“Monday would be the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl,” the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young thing didn’t have any pubic hair. She told her husband when he came home, but he didn’t believe her.

The woman said, “Next week, when you go off to bowl, I’ll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?”

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, “Do you shave down there?”

“No,” replied the girl, “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair on yours?” “Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed, the husband came home and the wife asked, “Well, did you see it?” “Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours?”

“Why not?” she replied, “You’ve seen it before.” “I know,” he said, “but the rest of the bowling team hadn’t!”

The writing’s in the snow.

Posted October 12, 2015 By Exocet

Father looks out the window sees writing in the snow. He gets furious and yells for his wife to come and look for herself.

“What’s the matter, dear,” his wife asks. “It’s our daughter’s new boyfriend, he’s written his name in the snow with pee.”

“Oh dear,” the wife said, “But that’s not so bad really, he must care for her to do that.”

But the Father was not amused and stated “But it’s in her own handwriting!”

Man downs six double Vodka’s in Pub.

Posted September 7, 2015 By Exocet

A guy walks into a pub and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.” The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.” “Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders eight double vodkas. The barman says, “Bloody hell, doesn’t anybody in your family like women?” The man downs the first drink and slowly shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

Lecture.

Posted June 8, 2015 By Exocet

An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

 

The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replied, “That would be my wife.”

Sex problems in a Marriage.

Posted May 4, 2015 By Exocet

A married man felt the sex life in his marriage lacked that something so he wrote his wife a note outlining his points and feelings.

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often.

  • We will wake the kids.
    54 times
  • It’s too late.
    15 times
  • I’m too tired.
    42 times
  • It’s too early.
    12 times
  • It’s too hot.
    18 times
  • Pretending to be asleep.
    31 times
  • The neighbours will hear.
    9 times
  • Headache or backache.
    26 times
  • Sunburn.
    10 times
  • Your mother will hear us.
    9 times
  • Not in the mood.
    21 times
  • Watching the late film.
    17 times
  • Too sore.
    26 times
  • New hairdo.
    6 times
  • Wrong time of the month.
    14 times
  • You had to go to the bathroom.
    19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby.

The wife read his letter and replied with her own letter pointing out the shortcomings mentioned.

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:

  • Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.
    23 times
  • Did not come home at all.
    36 times
  • Did not come.
    21 times
  • Came too soon.
    38 times
  • Went soft before you got it in.
    19 times
  • Cramps in your leg.
    16 times
  • Working too late.
    33 times
  • You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat.
    29 times
  • Caught yourself in your zipper.
    15 times
  • You had a cold and your nose kept running.
    21 times
  • You had burned your tongue on hot coffee.
    9 times
  • You had a splinter in your finger.
    11 times
  • You lost the notion after thinking about it.
    42 times
  • Came in your pyjamas after reading a dirty book.
    16 times

 

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”

 

Love, Your Wife

 

 

Aspirin

Posted March 30, 2015 By Exocet

A husband who was getting fed up with is wife stating “I’ve got a headache”, emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache.”

He then turned to her with a smile and said “”Perfect, I was just in the bathroom and powdered my penis with aspirin.” “So you can take it orally or as a suppository”. “Your call.”

Packs of Condoms.

Posted March 23, 2015 By Exocet

A man walks into a pharmacy with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for teenage boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“Wow!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March…”

3 Daughters marry same day.

Posted December 26, 2014 By Exocet

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn’t afford it and neither could their parents. So the parents said “We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married”. So they got married and all three daughters then said “I want a honeymoon but we can’t afford it”. The parents couldn’t afford it either so they decide they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on the honeymoon night their mother woke up and decided to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter crying but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it also.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter “Why were you crying?” And the daughter replied “Well mother you told me it’s ok to cry when something hurt.” Then the mother said to the second daughter “Why were you laughing last night?” and the daughter replied “Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled”. Then the mother said to the last daughter “Why didn’t I hear anything coming from your room last night?” and the daughter replied “Well mum you told me never to talk with my mouth full”.

Son in-law gives home burial.

Posted December 25, 2014 By Exocet

A man went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, the mother in-law died.

With the death certificate in his hand, the bereaved son in-law went to the Embassy to make arrangements to send the body back to UK for a proper burial. The Consul told the son in-law that to send the body back to the UK for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as £5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases like this the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him around £150.00. The son in-law thinks for some time and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do.”

The Consul says, “You must have loved your mother in-law very much considering the difference in price.” “No, it’s not that,” says the son in-law. “You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just cannot take that chance and risk it.”

Man Shop.

Posted December 25, 2014 By Exocet

A superstore that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch, as you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?” The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. But, there must be further up!” And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

“Oh my, just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Voodoo Dick.

Posted December 24, 2014 By Exocet

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence. After examining the products, he hadn’t found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the sales assistant for help. The assistant recommended the Voodoo Dick.

“How does it work?” asked the businessman. The assistant removed the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, “Voodoo Dick that door.” The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigour that the door split in half. “Fantastic,” said the man. “I’ll take it!” He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: “Voodoo Dick my pussy.” The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn’t figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital. Her driving was so erratic and swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police.

The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn’t leave her alone. The policeman looked at her sceptically and said, “Voodoo Dick, my ass.”

Superman & Wonder Woman.

Posted December 22, 2014 By Exocet

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman and flies down to her, he shows he is horny and says “Let’s have sex.” Wonder Woman tells him where to get off and walks away from him.

Superman thought to himself (I could have sex at super speed and she wouldn’t know it was me), he flies up high looking for her and sees her spread eagle, naked on top of the building.

Superman thinks, “This is my chance!” He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,” What the hell was that!?” The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my arse hurts like hell!”

Polish man wants a divorce.

Posted December 21, 2014 By Exocet

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect but they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

“Have you any grounds?”
“Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”

“No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It made of concrete.”

“I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”
“No, we have carport, and not need one.”

“I mean. What are your relations like?”
“All my relations still in Poland.”

“Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”

“Does your wife beat you up?”
“No, I always up before her.”

“Is your wife a nagger?”
“No, she white.”

“Why do you want this divorce?” asks the Lawyer.
“She is going to kill me.”

“What makes you think that?”
“She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom.” “I can read, and it says Polish Remover.”

Viagra and Macdonalds.

Posted December 20, 2014 By Exocet

An elderly lady went to the doctor for a check up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said,”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said,”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed. ”Well,” the doctor continued,”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked. ”Terrible, doctor, terrible.” ”Did it not work?” ”Yes,” the old lady said,”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” ”Then what is the problem, ma’am?” ”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again

Womans critical information.

Posted December 14, 2014 By Exocet

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is drying off from her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bert, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bert says, “I’ll give you £900 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bert. After a few seconds, Bert hands her £900 thanks her and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bert from next door.” She replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the £900 he owes me?”


 

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Drivers dilemma after doc’s advice.

Posted December 12, 2014 By Exocet

A Doctor told his patient that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided what the hell, I’ll try it, and He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realised his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the road. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What!” He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.” Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

Generous Husband.

Posted December 7, 2014 By Exocet

A man at a drinking club picks up the phone and answers, the voice at the other end say’s “Hi Hun it’s me are you at the club?” to which he replies “Yes.” “Great! I am at the department store and I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?” “What’s the price?” he say’s. “£5000.00.” came the reply “Well, ok, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.”

The wife then stated “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price, and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year.” Again he asked the price quoted. “£68,000.” “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” He said. “Great! But before we hang up, I stopped by the estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, Huge landscaped garden, acre of woodland area.” He asks how much are they asking to which came the reply, “Only £1,450,000, a magnificent price, I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it.” H tells her “Well, then go ahead and buy It.?” “OK, sweetie thanks! I’ll see you later, I love you!” “Bye, I love u too.”

The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap, and gets up to leave the club. As he leaves he hands over the phone to the doorman and Says “Someone left this phone on the seat.”

Womans ad comes up trumps.

Posted November 7, 2014 By Exocet

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive and used to strike her so she divorced him. She got remarried and after the honeymoon was over that husband ran out on her. A couple of years later she got married again and that husband failed to please her in bed, so again she got rid of this husband.

Finally, she put an ad in the paper which read: “Looking for a man who won’t abuse me, won’t leave me, and won’t fail me in bed.” The next day, the doorbell rings.

There is a man with no arms and no legs. “Hello, I saw your ad in the paper,” he says. “Tell me a little about you.” Say’s the woman “Well, I have no arms, so I can’t hit you. I have no legs, so I can’t run out on you,” he replies. “How do I know you’re good in bed?” she asks. He says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Do you have a Vagina?

Posted September 18, 2014 By Exocet

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees her neighbour standing there. Her neighbour asks the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door in disgust. The next evening she hears a knock at the door, its the neighbour and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Sweetheart, I am going to call a Police friend, who arranged a live cam with microphones fitted to a direct feed to the Police station with a remote to alert the police to attend. The woman was also instructed to reply yes to the sexual question.

A few days later some police officers came to dinner as the husband was going to be late that evening. The neighbour once more knocks at the door and the woman went to the door followed by the police officers who hid behind the door. Sure enough the neighbour asks, “Do you have a Vagina?” “Yes I do.” says the woman. The neighbour replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

Keeping hands warm.

Posted September 28, 2012 By Exocet

An innocent virginal girl was in the car with her mother and stuck in traffic says “oh my hands are freezing” Her mum replies “Put them between your legs, it’ll warm them up.” Sure enough it did the trick and warmed them up.

The next day she’s with her boyfriend walking in the park, they sat on a bench to take in the view when her boyfriend says “My hands are freezing” She says “Put them between my legs, it’ll warm them up.” Some time later the boyfriend then says “My penis is frozen” to which the girl said the same thing “Put the penis between my legs to warm it up.”

Later in the evening the girl asks her Mother “Have you ever heard of a Penis?” “Mum says “Yes why?” The girl says “Don’t they make a fucking mess when they defrost!”

Quick Thinking

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet

The other night I was invited out for a night out with “the lads”, I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. I promised this!

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Realising my wife would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with her..

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her “Midnight”.
She didn’t seem peed off at all and we got through breakfast very nicely, but just as I was about to leave the house to go to the D.IY centre she said “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked her why?, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, Oh shit! Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table.

Why Cats are like Humans

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet

Just like Humans, Lions go through the same 3 Basic stages of a Relationship with a Female.


These being

Engaged


Married


Divorce.

See! Just like Humans.

Bear