Information Archive

Unbelievable Act in Public.

Posted February 18, 2013 By Exocet

I couldn’t believe what I saw outside my window!
JD01

 

JD02

I had to zoom in, no one in their right mind would do such a thing.

JD03

yes I think I know what they are doing, it’s unbelievable they are doing this, but let’s be sure.

 

JD04

Yes I know it, I’m almost convinced at what they are doing, it’s disgraceful.

Oh my god!, they are, they are actually doing it.

 
JD05

Oh my oh my! I’m right! They are actually drinking JD and coke without ICE!!!

How shameful.

 

 

 

 

 

COOL THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN.

Posted February 18, 2012 By Exocet

Yes, it’s good to be a man.

  • Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.
  • Your orgasms are real. Always.
  • Your last name stays put.
  • The garage is all yours.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • You don’t give a rat’s arse if someone notices your new haircut.
  • Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
  • Same work .. more pay.
  • Wrinkles-add character.
  • You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
  • Wedding Dress £2000; Tux rental £100.
  • If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
  • People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
  • New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  • One mood, All the time.
  • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
  • A weekend break requires only 1 suitcase.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  • Your underwear is £8 for a three-pack.
  • If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
  • You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
  • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  • You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me.”
  • No maxi-pads.
  • If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
  • You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
  • You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  • You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
  • The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  • Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  • One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
  • You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
  • Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
  • The world is your urinal.

Mens Rules.

Posted February 17, 2012 By Exocet

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules  from the male side.

These are our rules:

  • Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  • Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  • Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this.
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    JUST SAY IT!
  • Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  • A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
  • If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us (that’s just entrapment).
  • If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  • You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done Not both,
    if you already know best how to do it, why not just do it yourself.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
  • ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
    We have no idea what mauve is.
  • If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
  • If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  • If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really.
  • Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as: Sex, Sport, or Cars.
  • You have enough clothes.
  • You have too many shoes.
  • I am in shape, round is a shape.

Thank you!

Yes, I know, I will be sleeping on the sofa tonight, but, you know what, men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

Some reasons why the Human race is doomed to fail.

Posted November 23, 2011 By Exocet

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer
Do not use while sleeping.
(crap, that’s the only time I have to do my hair.)

On a bag of potato crisps
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of household soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how . . .?)

On some frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it’s *just* a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of box): Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! Helllooooo?)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
Product will be hot after heating.
(As night follows the day.)

On packaging for a Rowena iron
Do not iron clothes on body.
(Extra starch in mine!)

On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
(We could reduce the rate of warehouse & construction site accidents if we could just get those 5-year old kids with colds, off those forklift trucks.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas light
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor
Not to be used for the other use.
(I have to admit, I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts
Warning: contains nuts.
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child’s Superman costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(I don’t blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?)

Hurricane Appeal.

Posted November 13, 2011 By Exocet

A major hurricane (Hurricane Geezah) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit a quiet little town of Folkestone (Kent) in the early hours of today with its epicentre at the Social Services Office. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell”. The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementoes from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. BBC Radio Kent reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Folkestone One resident Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the  next morning.” Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Heineken to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:  Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys Benson & Hedges cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking news***

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry Alco pop. “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked, “Higham council estate, woss that gotta do wiv you enny arh?” Said the girl, she was informed they were only concerned for her, to which she replied “wotevah!”

Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Folkestone Kent, oh, sod it, most of them won’t be able to read it anyway.

10 Thoughts for 2007.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet
  1. Life is sexually transmitted.
  2. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  3. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
  4. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
  5. Some people are like a Slinky … not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
  6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  7. Take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  8. Why does a slight tax increase cost you 200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you 20.00?
  9. In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  10. Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your arse tomorrow”.

Top thought for 2007
We know exactly where one cow with Mad Cow Disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the country but we haven’t got a clue as to where the “Weapons of mass destruction” are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of National Intelligence.

Word Illusion.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

In Black you can read the word GOOD, in White the word EVIL

You may not see it at first, but the white spaces read the word optical, the blue landscape reads the word illusion.

The word TEACH reflects as LEARN.

In brown you can read ME, and when you look through you can read YOU.

Read this text aloud.


Words Worth.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

By using the same letters in each word, you can get the real meaning.

  • DORMITORY
    DIRTY ROOM
  • PRESBYTERIAN
    BEST IN PRAYER
  • ASTRONOMER
    MOON STARER
  • DESPERATION
    A ROPE ENDS IT
  • THE EYES
    THEY SEE
  • GEORGE BUSH
    HE BUGS GORE
  • THE MORSE CODE
    HERE COME DOTS
  • SLOT MACHINES
    CASH LOST IN ME
  • ANIMOSITY
    IS NO AMITY
  • ELECTION RESULTS
    LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
  • SNOOZE ALARMS
    ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S
  • A DECIMAL POINT
    IM A DOT IN PLACE
  • THE EARTHQUAKES
    THAT QUEER SHAKE
  • ELEVEN PLUS TWO
    TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE

  • MOTHER-IN-LAW
    WOMAN HITLER

Fastest Thing in Life!

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.

After much deliberation the Englishman said, “I believe it is the process of thought, It comes to one in a flash.”

“Good try” agreed the Scot, “but I think Blinking is even quicker.”

“Pretty good but not quick enough,” quipped the Welshman. “I am sure electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light”

After a few moments the Irishman cut in,” I believe you all have valid points but I think Diarrhoea wins!”  “What the hell are you talking about?” chimed the three other guys.

“Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a Vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o’clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shit myself!

Bet you didn’t Know this.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet
  • If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
    (Hardly seems worth it)
  • If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
    (Now that’s my kind of Music!)
  • The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
    (OMG!)
  • A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
    (I’m Reincarnating as a pig)
  • Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
    (Still not over that pig thing!)
  • A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
    (GOOD!)
  • The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to it’s body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
    ( “Hi Love, I’m home. What the Fu….. )
  • Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
    (I still want to be a pig in my next life.)
  • Butterflies taste their own feet.
    (Something I always wanted to know.)
  • Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
    (Bloody glad too!)
  • A cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.
    (Hmmm! Someone thought of that!)
  • An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
    (I know people like that)
  • Starfish have no brains.
    (I know people like that too!)
  • Polar bears are left handed.
    (Who knew…? Who cares!)
  • Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
    (What about the pig?)

Advice for Americans visiting London.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

Vocabulary
The brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as “goolies” in slang, so you should for instance say “I’d love to come to the pub but I haven’t got any goolies.” “Quid” is the modern word for what was once called a shilling” — the equivalent of seventeen cents American.
Underpants are called “wellies” and friends are called “tossers.” If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a “great tosser” ( he will be touched. ) The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.

Habits
Ever since their Tory government whole heartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three-hour siesta , which they call a “wank.” As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that you were having a wank ( everyone will understand and forgive you. )

Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are “in the know” ( one of the inner circle ), as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you’ve requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as “cottaging.” Many of the boats (called “yer-I-nals”) are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it’s a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today’s robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty’s seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won’t settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant’s list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn’t, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia — try an Ely ’84 or Ripon ’88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

Transport
Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty’s Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell “I think not, you charlatan!”, then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons’ requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are “pence”), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: “Please take me to the British Library.” A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn’t go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you’re not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don’t forget that buses are called “prams” in England, and trains are called “bumbershoots” it’s a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called “lorries” and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the “off licence.” It’s also very important to know that a “doctor” only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an “MP” (which stands for “Master Physician”).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels.

The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement “Mind the Gappe!” is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say “Subway” and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fein (an international Jewish peace organisation — the “shin” stands for “shalom”). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Feine stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.

Vincent’s Van Gogh’s Relatives.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet
  • His obnoxious brother
    Please Gogh
  • His dizzy aunt
    Verti Gogh
  • The brother who eats beans
    Gotta Gogh
  • The brother who worked at a convenience store
    Stop n’ Gogh
  • The grandfather from Yugoslavia
    U Gogh
  • The brother who bleached his clothes white
    Hue Gogh
  • The cousin from Illinois
    Chica Gogh
  • His magician uncle
    Wherediddy Gogh
  • His Mexican cousin
    Amee Gogh
  • The Mexican cousin’s American half brother
    Grin Gogh
  • The nephew who drove a stage coach
    Wellsfar Gogh
  • The constipated uncle
    Cant Gogh
  • The ballroom dancing aunt
    Tan Gogh
  • The bird lover uncle
    Flamin Gogh
  • His nephew psychoanalyst
    E Gogh
  • The fruit loving cousin
    Man Gogh
  • An aunt who taught positive thinking
    Wayto Gogh
  • The little bouncy nephew
    Poe Gogh
  • A sister who loved disco
    Go Gogh
  • His Italian uncle
    Day Gogh
  • His niece who travels the country in a van
    Winnie Bay Gogh

TITANIC VIDEO    – £9.99
CLINTON VIDEO  – £9.99

TITANIC VIDEO    – Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO  – Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO    – The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO  – The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO    – Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO  – Villain: Ken Starr.

TITANIC VIDEO    – Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO  – Bill is a B.S. artist.

TITANIC VIDEO    – In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO  – Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO    – During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO  – Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO    – Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO  – Let’s not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO    – Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
CLINTON VIDEO  – Monica’s forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO    – Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO  – Monica goes… never mind.

TITANIC VIDEO    – Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO  – Bill goes home to Hillary

Spaghetti Can Kill.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

But how will I let you know the baby is born? she asked. He replied, Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses. Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means The doctor said, Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you. Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read.

Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti; two with meatballs, two without.

GREAT WORDS OF WISDOM.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

“I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, Which is why I would not live forever.”
Miss Alabama 1994

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
Mariah Carey

“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.”
Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today Show.

“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor.
(answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes)

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
Brooke Shields.
during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
Winston Bennett.
Univ. of KY basketball forward

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
Mayor Marion Barry.
Washington, DC

“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
Jason Kidd.
Upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
Hillary Clinton.
(commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents)

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”
Charles De Gaulle.
Former French President.

“That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”
A Congressional Candidate in Texas

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
Dan Quayle.
Former U.S. Vice-president.

And last but not least, a parting word from Dan Quayle: “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
Makes you feel smart, doesn’t it?


U.S.A. helps out Russia.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

Boris Yeltsin called President Clinton with an emergency, “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried; “my people’s favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”

“Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President

“I do need your help,” said Yeltsin, “Could you possibly send 50 Million condoms ASAP to tide us over?”
“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Clinton.

“Oh, and one more small favour, please?” said Yeltsin, “Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?” asked Yeltsin.

“No problem,” replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Cuba. “I need a favour, you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia” “Consider it done,” said the President of Cuba

“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10″ long and 4″ in diameter”
“Easily done Anything else?”

“Yeah,” said Clinton, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one”

Answer 1,331


  • 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
  • 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
  • 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
  • 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
  • 53 to flame the spell checkers
  • 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
  • 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
  • 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.light.bulb
  • 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar.alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
  • 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.
  • 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
  • 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
  • 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
  • 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
  • 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”
  • 12 to post to the list that they are UN-subscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
  • 19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”
  • 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
  • 1 to propose new alt.change.light.bulb newsgroup.
  • 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold fusion was meant for, leave it here.
  • 143 votes for alt.light.bulb.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly things in life.

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: She can’t find her contraceptive pills.
Ugly: Your daughter used them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You’re wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.

Good: Your son’s finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Good: You’re son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Ugly: He’s you’re best friend.

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s a lawyer.
Way ugly: She’s screwing the Judge.

Bear