Health Archive

Senior Citizen and the Receptionist.

Posted July 31, 2018 By Exocet

There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her/him what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Well 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?” “There’s something wrong with my dick”, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.” “Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people, you should have said  there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear.” The old man stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken the given advice. “What is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter!

Gynecologist get more than he bargained for.

Posted May 25, 2015 By Exocet

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she says, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That’s right,” says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks. “Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps of breast cancer.” “That’s right,” replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says. “You’re getting herpes doctor, that’s why I’m here.”

Advantages of Mother’s Milk.

Posted May 18, 2015 By Exocet

A group of medical students was asked four reasons why mother’s milk was better for babies than cow’s milk. This is an answer submitted by one student.

  • It’s fresher.
  • It’s cleaner.
  • The cats can’t get to it.
    It’s easier to take on a picnic.
  • He also added:

“It comes in such cute containers.”

Bowel Movements.

Posted April 20, 2015 By Exocet

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

One 75 year old man says, “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7am and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.”

An 80 year old man says, “My case is worse. I get up at 8am and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.”

The 92 year old man says, “At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.”

“So what’s your problem?” asked the others. The 92 year old replies “I don’t wake up until nine.”

Super health computer.

Posted November 1, 2014 By Exocet

One day Bill complained to his friend Chuck that his elbow really hurt. His friend Chuck suggested that a computer at the health centre that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. “Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.”

Bill being a tight bastard, figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the health centre. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the health centre, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him medication. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls, they aren’t yours. Get a lawyer, and if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Doctor, Africa and the Donkey.

Posted October 28, 2014 By Exocet

A U.N. doctor visits an African tribe in a very remote and cut off part of Africa the tribe was known for it’s cannibal tendencies but have ceased this in recent times. After two weeks of trekking through hard going terrain he finally reaches the village containing only men.

About 3 weeks later when he got to know them and they were used to him he asked, “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension if there are no women here?” One of the elders replied, “simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we’ll show you.”

The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says “Since you’re our honoured guest we are going to let you go first.”

The doctor not wanting to go against custom proceeds to have sex with the donkey, after 5-6 minutes one of the men waiting asks “Are you almost done Doctor?” “Only we need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.”

Fast learning Doctor.

Posted September 20, 2014 By Exocet

A young doctor had moved out to a small country community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?” “I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. That was what was probably making her sick.”

“Hmmm,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.” She explained. “You’ve probably been doing too much extra work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the older doc said, “your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?” “Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the Vicar hiding under the bed.”

Blowing hot & cold.

Posted September 18, 2014 By Exocet

An elderly married couple scheduled their medical check up on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner.

After the husband’s exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?” “In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly.”

The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that idiot”, she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

I got Shingles.

Posted September 17, 2014 By Exocet

A Man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” So she took down his name, address, medical details and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse’s aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” The doctor said, “Where?” He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Grannies, 100th birthday bash.

Posted September 16, 2014 By Exocet

An elderly lady who reached 100 years old, was wheeled by the family out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate with others. After a short time out on the lawn, members of the family noticed granny was started leaning off to the right. Some family members held her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right to help keep her upright.

A short time later, family members noticed she was leaning off to the left, so again, the family held her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon after this, she started leaning forward, so the family members again held her upright, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came running up to the lady and said, “Hi, Gran, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

Burger with that extra.

Posted September 14, 2014 By Exocet

A little old lady sat down at the luncheonette counter in the local day care centre and ordered a hamburger. The huge, sweaty guy behind the counter bellowed, “One burger!” Then he grabbed a hunk of chopped meat & onion stuffed it into his bare armpit. He pumped his arm a few minutes to squeeze it flat, and then tossed it onto the grill.

The old lady said, “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!” The young cashier said, “Really? You should be here in the afternoon when he makes the doughnuts!”

Care home speeder

Posted September 13, 2014 By Exocet

An elderly lady named Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the care home where she resided, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long corridors. Because Ethel was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents and staff tolerated her antics, and some of the male residents (also a sandwich or two short of a picnic) actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding down one of the corridors when a door opened and Crazy Chuck stepped out with his arm outstretched. “Stop!” he said in a firm voice, “Have you got a licence for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Chocolate wrapper and held it up to him. Crazy Chuck examined the document and gave it back, “OK, it’s all in order” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Barmy Bill popped out in front of her. “Stop!” he said, “Where’s your proof of insurance?” Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him. Barmy Bill nodded and said, “Carry on, ma’am it’s up to date.” Once more Ethel was speeding her way along the corridors.

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the sickbay, Barmy Bert stepped out in front of her, stark naked and, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. “Oh, no!” said Ethel, “Not the breathalyser again!”

Surgical Procedure

Posted August 22, 2013 By Exocet

A man went into his local Pub for a drink when he sees an old mate of his looking extremely happy. This was not the usual look he had and generally looked miserable.

The man asked his friend why he was so happy and his friend replied “the wife had one of those procedures done at the hospital today that would put a smile on most Men’s faces.”

The man asked his happy friend “was it breast implants?”
“Nope.” Replied the happy man.

“Was it a tuck and Liposuction?”
“Nope, not that either.”

Now completely bewildered as to what it could be, the man asked his happy friend “what was it then?”
The happy man smiled, downed his whiskey and replied, “a Post-mortem.”

Cutting moments

Posted October 20, 2012 By Exocet

Two Boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the operating theatre, the first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second boy says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first boy says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Peanut butter on toast, jelly and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second boy then asks, “What are you in here for? The first boy says, “I’m having a circumcision.”

The second boy says, “HOLY SHIT! Good luck with that!”  “I had that done when I was born, and I couldn’t walk for a year.”

Keeping hands warm.

Posted September 28, 2012 By Exocet

An innocent virginal girl was in the car with her mother and stuck in traffic says “oh my hands are freezing” Her mum replies “Put them between your legs, it’ll warm them up.” Sure enough it did the trick and warmed them up.

The next day she’s with her boyfriend walking in the park, they sat on a bench to take in the view when her boyfriend says “My hands are freezing” She says “Put them between my legs, it’ll warm them up.” Some time later the boyfriend then says “My penis is frozen” to which the girl said the same thing “Put the penis between my legs to warm it up.”

Later in the evening the girl asks her Mother “Have you ever heard of a Penis?” “Mum says “Yes why?” The girl says “Don’t they make a fucking mess when they defrost!”

One test two results

Posted September 28, 2012 By Exocet

A man phones the Doctor’s surgery for the results of his wifes blood test she had the day before. The Doctor was very embarrassed and replies “Ah yes Mr jones,” “I have to apologise for a mixup.” Mr Jones “said oh what mixup?” “We have two sets of results accredited to your wife and we are not sure which one is the correct result  for your wife.”

Mr Jones then irritably said “So she needs to have yet another test you mean?” “Oh no need” said the Doctor, “You see, one test indicates HIV and the other indicates Dementia , there is no need to re-test as we can easily work out which one is applicable.” Mr Jones then asks “How can you tell without a test?” The doctor then stated “Just send your wife to the surgery to collect her results, and if she finds her way home, don’t fuck her!”

The Four Hour Problem

Posted May 14, 2012 By Exocet

A man walked into a Pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The lady behind the counter said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the Pharmacy. There were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. He said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured the man that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.” The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do.”
“1/3 ownership in the business,  a company car,  a king size bed, and £1,000.00 a month in living expenses.”

Blind Mans Stick

Posted May 5, 2012 By Exocet

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the ground, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so you can shut the F%!k! Up.”

Spank him!

Posted February 21, 2012 By Exocet

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby it was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5-year-old daughter.

The doctor instructed the girl to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The girl did so.  The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby boy by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
“Spank him again,” the girl said. “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place.”

The Hunting Accident.

Posted February 15, 2012 By Exocet

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. “Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot.” “What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your Willie which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Well, I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?” “Not exactly answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the Symphony orchestra. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss on yourself.”

Pitfalls of too much Alcohol

Posted November 15, 2011 By Exocet

Patrick had been drinking heavily at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the barman, says, “You’ll not be drinking any more tonight, Patrick”.
Patrick replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then”. He spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face “Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. “Shoite, Shoite!” He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the doorframe. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. “Be ‘Jesus… I’m fockin, focked,” he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door falls flat on his face and crawls inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fockin’ way”. But he eventually decide to drag himself up the stairs to his bedroom , he shimmies up the doorframe and says “I can make it to the bed”.

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “Fock this, I got to stop drinking so much,” and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jesse, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”
Patrick says, “I did Jesse. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?” “Mick the barman called, You left your wheelchair at the pub.”

Leprosy sufferer at a cricket match.

Posted November 13, 2011 By Exocet

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the final test cricket match. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he’s very concerned about upsetting the other spectators.

The man wanders through the benches looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone. Finally, he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the match.  He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, “Yeah.  Just sit down, shut up, and watch the match.”

He sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy.  If it disturbs you, I will move.”

“It doesn’t bother me.  Just shut up, and watch the match.”

A while later, during the first over, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the man gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick.  I will find another place to sit.”

“It’s NOT you, just sit down, shut up, and watch the match.”

So he sits back down.  But during the fourth over, the man begins to vomit again.  This time it is projectile vomit.  A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick.  I will find another place to sit.”

“Really, it’s NOT you, just sit down, shut up, and watch the match.”

So he sits back down.  But during the seventh over, the man begins to vomit again.  This time it is the dry heaves. The man feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering.  And once again, offers to leave.

But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”

So the man asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, than what is it?”
“It’s that guy behind you, he keeps dipping his Tortillas in your back!”

Aids Warning

Posted November 12, 2011 By Exocet

Senior citizens are the worlds leading carrier of AIDS and HIV.

  • HEARING AIDS
  • BAND AIDS
  • ROLL AIDS
  • WALKING AIDS
  • MEDICAL AIDS
  • GOVERNMENT AIDS

Most of all, Monetary Aid’s to their kids.

Also many suffer with HIV (Hair Is Vanishing).

Sperm Donation

Posted November 3, 2011 By Exocet

A couple of guys with low intelligence, wanted to earn some money as they were always broke. They decided to earn some money by supplying sperm to a donor bank. They booked the appointment and underwent a physical from their doctors.
The day of the appointment at the bank came around and they made their separate ways to the bank. Well it turned out to be a complete disaster, one of the men missed the tube and the other came on the bus.

Making babies.

Posted November 19, 2010 By Exocet

A couple were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, the husband kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Ma’am”, he said, “I’ve come to…”

“Oh, no need to explain,” the woman cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my speciality?”

“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”

“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”

“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for my husband and me!”

“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

“My, that’s a lot!” gasped the woman. “Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. Id love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” she said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said. “Oh, my God!” The woman exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” “She was difficult?” asked the woman.

“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look”. “Four and five deep?” said the lady, her eyes wide with amazement.

“Yes”, the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”

The woman leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?”

“It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, Ill set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Tripod?”

“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”

The woman fainted…

Bear