General Archive

Pacific Cruise ships sinks

Posted January 26, 2019 By Exocet

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it.After a while, Jim and Tom’s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So, they buried Susie.

One sale on first day.

Posted August 15, 2018 By Exocet

A young guy from a small country village moves to the big City and goes to a big “Everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman back in my village.”

The boss was a little unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One.”

The boss says, “Just one!” “Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here. One sale a day might have been acceptable in your village, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, the boss seeing this felt bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?” The kid looks up at his boss and says “£212,237.65.”

The boss, astonished, says, “£212,237.65!” “What the hell did you sell him?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 off road truck.”

The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him some additional rods, a boat and a TRUCK?”

The kid looked up at the boss and said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing and sold him the stuff I just told you.”

Face slap in a train carriage.

Posted August 31, 2015 By Exocet

A Glaswegian, an Australian, a Nun and a attractive woman sit on a train. The lights in their car are defective consequently in every tunnel it gets really dark.

The train drives through a tunnel, it gets dark and suddenly you hear a slap and someone cries out in pain. When it gets bright again its obvious that the Austrian was slapped in the face.

  • The nun thinks
    The Australian tried to grope the young woman, so she slapped him.
  • The young woman thinks
    He tried to grope me but messed up and touched the nun so she slapped him.
  • The Australian thinks
    That Scottish guy tried to grope the woman and she tried to slap him, missed and slapped me.
  • The Glaswegian thinks
    In the next tunnel I’ll slap him again.

7 dwarves visit the Pope at the Vatican.

Posted August 26, 2015 By Exocet

The seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope answered the door, Dopey stepped forward. “You’re Excellency,” he said. “I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?” “No, Dopey, there aren’t,” the Pope replied.
Behind Dopey, the six dwarfs started to titter.

“Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?” Dopey persisted. “No, none in Italy,” the Pope answered more sternly.
The other dwarfs began to laugh openly.

“Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?” This time the pope was much more firm. “Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”
By this point, the other dwarfs were laughing out loud and rolling on the ground.

“Pope” Dopey demanded. “Are there any dwarf nuns in the world?” “No Dopey!” He snapped. “There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

Upon hearing this answer from the Pope the other six dwarfs started jumping up and down chanting, “Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!”

Bic Lighter

Posted March 1, 2015 By Exocet

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says “Wow, cool lighter… where did you get it?”

“A genie from a bottle granted me one wish.”

“Great, can I try it?”

“Sure.”

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. “You are granted one wish says the genie.”

The guy says, “I want a million bucks!”

“Tis done” says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

“I can’t believe this,” says the guy who had just placed his wish, “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

The second guy then says, “Do you really think I wished for a 12″ Bic?”

Brass rats n pigs.

Posted January 1, 2015 By Exocet

A man walked into a curio shop and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter. “That will be £10 for the brass rat and £1,000 for the story behind it,” said the proprietor. “Thanks, but I’ll just pay the £10 and pass on the story.” He purchased the brass rat and left the shop.

As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly. “Ah-ha!” said the proprietor. “You’ve come back for the story, right?” “Nope,” said the man. “You have any brass Police men?”

Dover man, Genie and Europe.

Posted October 21, 2014 By Exocet

One day a Dover man was walking along the beach and found a very odd looking bottle, he picked it up and opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one.”

The man said, “I have always wanted to visit Europe but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and the channel ferries make me extremely seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to France.” The genie thought for a minute and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean and the height to allow ships to pass via the English Channel. Think of the entire pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “Well, there is something that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?” The genie looked at the man and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

Unbelievable Act in Public.

Posted February 18, 2013 By Exocet

I couldn’t believe what I saw outside my window!
JD01

 

JD02

I had to zoom in, no one in their right mind would do such a thing.

JD03

yes I think I know what they are doing, it’s unbelievable they are doing this, but let’s be sure.

 

JD04

Yes I know it, I’m almost convinced at what they are doing, it’s disgraceful.

Oh my god!, they are, they are actually doing it.

 
JD05

Oh my oh my! I’m right! They are actually drinking JD and coke without ICE!!!

How shameful.

 

 

 

 

 

Just not cricket

Posted February 24, 2012 By Exocet

Two long time friends Arthur and Peter were the biggest cricket fanatics in the world.

For their entire adult lives, Arthur and Peter discussed cricket history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the test match season. They went to 80 games a year.

They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was cricket in heaven. One summer night, Arthur passed away in his sleep after watching the England v Pakistan team victory earlier in the evening.
He died happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Peter awoke to the sound of Arthur’s voice from beyond.

“Arthur is that you?” Peter asked, “of course it me,” Arthur replied. “This is unbelievable!” Peter exclaimed. “So tell me, do they have cricket in heaven?”

“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you, which do you want to hear first?” “Tell me the good news first.” “Well, the good news is that, yes, there is cricket in heaven, Peter.” “Oh, that is wonderful!

Peter then asked “so what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re in the first innings tomorrow night.”

Airport Calendar Girl

Posted February 15, 2012 By Exocet

We proudly present to you, airport pinup calendar girl.

 

Beautiful aren’t they eh!

As an added bonus if you cannot afford private healthcare and don’t want to wait at a free Hospital. Just go to the nearest airport and you can be assured of a free x-ray and breast exam. Should you have bowel problems they can take care of that too. Just follow the following instructions for a free Colonoscopy. Just mention Al Qaeda, you will receive a complimentary Colon rinse and full examination.

 

Campfire caper.

Posted December 1, 2011 By Exocet

Bill, John and Tom were sitting around a campfire discussing who was the hardest man, John said “I wrestled a grizzly with my bear hands and made it cry. “ Tom replied “I fought two adult Croc’s and gouged their eyes out before I killed em.” Nothing was heard from Bill, when he suddenly whipped open his fly, got his penis out and poked the fire with it, the argument was settled there and then.

How the fight started.

Posted December 1, 2011 By Exocet

I was watching football on TV when the wife came in, she was feeling very amorous, she said lets go upstairs and shag, I replied with “I’m watching the football match.” She replied “But you can record it.” I said “Ok you get the camcorder set up and I’ll be right up after the match.”

That’s when the fight started.

Yoko in I’m a Celebrity get me out of here!

Posted December 1, 2011 By Exocet

It was reported that Yoko Ono is going to take part in I’m a celebrity get me out of here! The consensus is she should do very well as she has been living off a beatle for over 20 years.

A Special Recipe

Posted July 8, 2005 By Exocet

Fruitcake for the Holidays

Ingredients:

  • one cup water
  • one cup sugar
  • four large eggs
  • two cups of dried fruit
  • one teaspoon baking soda
  • one teaspoon salt
  • one cup brown sugar
  • lemon juice
  • nuts
  • one bottle whisky

Method:
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer, break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, Or something, Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table Shpoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

WAZUUUUP!

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet

Why? What?

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet
  • Why do you need a driver’s licence to buy booze when you can’t drink and drive?
  • Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  • Why are cigarettes sold in Petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
  • If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  • If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
  • If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
  • If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  • You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
  • Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-in ATM?
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
  • Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  • Why do the makers of Minute Rice give their product that name when it 5 minutes to cook?
  • Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  • Why do Flies fly, yet a Fly flies?

You’re a Sad GIT If…..

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet
  • If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
  • If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
  • If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
  • If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
  • If your wrist watch has more computing power than a PentiumIII 600Mhz.
  • If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
  • If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
  • If you use a CAD package to design your son’s Pine Wood Derby car.
  • If you use coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
  • If at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
  • If you window shop at Tandy’s (Radio Shack).
  • If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest SCI-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
  • If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
  • If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
  • If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
  • If you own “Official Star Trek” anything.
  • If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
  • If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
  • If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
  • If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as-is.”
  • If you see a good design and still have to change it.
  • If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
  • If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
  • If you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, but you don’t remember where they are.
  • If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
  • If you have more toys than your kids.
  • If you need a checklist to turn on the TV.
  • If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
  • If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
  • If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
  • If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
  • If you can type 120 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
  • If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
  • If you can’t remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.
  • If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
  • If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
  • If you thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers.
  • If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.If you spend
  • more on your home computer than your car.
  • If your laptop computer costs more than your car.

Signs your webmaster is in a cult.

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet
  • Every link seems to take you to www.moonies.com.
  • Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the apocalypse.
  • Suddenly your travel agency’s site is featuring inter-planetary excursions for comet watching.
  • His home page says “Best viewed from the Mothership.”
  • Your website’s “Hall of Fame” inductees required to do stint handing out flowers at airports.
  • Insists that Sabbath actually begins when “X-files” ends.
  • Frequently mutters about the “Prophet Steve Jobs” returning to rescue the true believers.
  • Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.
  • Big “N” on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.

The top Signs Your Webmaster is in a Cult…

  • Wears Ugly clothes
  • Insufficient diet
  • Lack of sleep
  • Crap haircut
  • Lives in a mansion
  • Has many followers…

Hey, hang on a minute!, isn’t that Bill Ga…….


Star Wars

  • Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!
  • Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?
  • Put that thing away before you get us all killed.
  • You’ve got something jammed in here real good.
  • Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?
  • You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.
  • Sorry about the mess…
  • Look at the size of that thing!
  • Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!
  • She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid

Empire Strikes back.

  • I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.
  • Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?
  • There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.
  • But now we must eat. Come, good food, come…
  • That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.
  • Hurry up, golden-rod…
  • I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?
  • Possible he came in through the south entrance.
  • And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!
  • Control, control! You must learn control!

Return of the Jedi

  • Hey, point that thing someplace else.
  • I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.
  • I never knew I had it in me.
  • There is good in him, I’ve felt it.
  • Grab me, Chewie. I’m slipping.
  • Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me, now I owe you one.
  • Back door, huh? Good idea!
  • She’s gonna blow!
  • I think you’ll fit in nicely.
  • Rise, my friend.
  • Wedge! Pull out! You’re not doing any good back there!

Famous Dickheads

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet

Beatles.

Gates

Boris karloff.

Han Solo.

Darth Vader.

Millenium bug killer.

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet

A company has defined a lower cost alternative to Windows 9x/NT/ME/XP/newcrap/newer crap conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue.

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

  • No Y2K problems.
  • No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
  • No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don’t shake it.

Bear