Food & Drink Archive

Drinking 3 Pints at a time.

Posted July 20, 2016 By Exocet

A Ground worker walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Ground worker replies, “Well now, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.”

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Ground worker becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Ground worker looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Its me, I’ve quit drinking”!

Dad brings home a roadkill for dinner.

Posted September 28, 2015 By Exocet

A man driving home late on night kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is.

The dad said, “This is a different kind of meat for dinner and I want you to guess what it is.” The dad added “I will give you a clue, it’s what mummy calls me sometimes. “The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. It’s an arsehole!”

Monkey eats everything in a Pub bar.

Posted September 21, 2015 By Exocet

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The publican screams at the man, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my snooker table, whole!” “Sorry,” replied the man. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a Glace cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it. The publican is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “Yeah,” replies the man. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.”

Pub competition

Posted September 14, 2015 By Exocet

A stranger in town walks into a Pub and notices a large jar stuffed to the brim with £20 bank notes. The man approaches the publican and asks, “What’s the deal with the jar?”

“Well, you pay £20, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.” “What are the three tests?” asks the man, the publican replies “you have to pay first.” So the stranger gives him the £20, and the Publican adds it to the jar.

“OK, here’s what you have to do.

First, you have to drink that whole bottle of  Spiced Rum,  the whole bottle at once, and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a Rottweiler chained up out back with a bad tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare  hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You have to make things right for her.”

“Well, I know I’ve paid my £20,” says the man, “but I’m not an idiot! No wonder you’ve collected so much money, that’s impossible.”

The stranger proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets drunk enough to do the tasks in hand.

“Whereth  that bottle ov rum?” Slurs the stranger.

He grabs the bottle of spiced rum with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the Pub hears a huge scuffle outside, awful screaming, growling and yelping. Then it suddenly went silent.

Just when everyone in the pub thought the stranger must be dead, he staggers back into the pub with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body. He gave the Publican a hardened determined look and said “whereth  that old lady with the bad tooth?”

Man downs six double Vodka’s in Pub.

Posted September 7, 2015 By Exocet

A guy walks into a pub and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.” The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.” “Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders eight double vodkas. The barman says, “Bloody hell, doesn’t anybody in your family like women?” The man downs the first drink and slowly shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

Advantages of Mother’s Milk.

Posted May 18, 2015 By Exocet

A group of medical students was asked four reasons why mother’s milk was better for babies than cow’s milk. This is an answer submitted by one student.

  • It’s fresher.
  • It’s cleaner.
  • The cats can’t get to it.
    It’s easier to take on a picnic.
  • He also added:

“It comes in such cute containers.”

Bic Lighter

Posted March 1, 2015 By Exocet

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says “Wow, cool lighter… where did you get it?”

“A genie from a bottle granted me one wish.”

“Great, can I try it?”

“Sure.”

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. “You are granted one wish says the genie.”

The guy says, “I want a million bucks!”

“Tis done” says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

“I can’t believe this,” says the guy who had just placed his wish, “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”

The second guy then says, “Do you really think I wished for a 12″ Bic?”

The librarian and the Blonde

Posted December 1, 2014 By Exocet

A Blonde woman walked into the town library and join the Queue for service, after a short while the librarian said “How may I help you?” the customer replied with “I would like a quarter pounder with cheese, fries and a coke please”. The librarian looked amazed by this request and it was clear to see so were other library customers.

The librarian regained her composure and quietly said “This is a library”, the customer looked around to discover that indeed it was a library. She turned back to the librarian and whispered “I would like a quarter pounder, fries and a coke?”

DUH!

Beer festival Bosses.

Posted November 21, 2014 By Exocet

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery executives decided to go out for a beer. Corona’s CEO sits down and says, “I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The barman takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser’s CEO says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me The King of Beers, a Budweiser.” The barman gives him one.

The Coors CEO says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The other brewery CEO’s look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness CEO replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”

Drunkard in Biker bar.

Posted November 14, 2014 By Exocet

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, stark naked she was. Man, she is fine!”

The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His pals were confused, because he was a bad arse, and would fight anyone at the drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is a good lay, the best I ever had!”

The biker still said nothing, but his pals were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it way too much!”

The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, “Damn it, Granddad, you’re drunk! Go home!”

Burger with that extra.

Posted September 14, 2014 By Exocet

A little old lady sat down at the luncheonette counter in the local day care centre and ordered a hamburger. The huge, sweaty guy behind the counter bellowed, “One burger!” Then he grabbed a hunk of chopped meat & onion stuffed it into his bare armpit. He pumped his arm a few minutes to squeeze it flat, and then tossed it onto the grill.

The old lady said, “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!” The young cashier said, “Really? You should be here in the afternoon when he makes the doughnuts!”

Raisin Bread.

Posted September 12, 2014 By Exocet

A general store owner hired a young female assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day, a young man entered the store, glanced at the assistant, and glanced at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he had a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread, please,” the man said politely. The female assistant nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descended the ladder, he mused that he really should get two loaves, as he was having company for dinner. As the girl retrieved the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on.

Thinking quickly, he requested his own loaf of raisin bread, so he could continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male patron was asking for raisin bread, just to see the assistant climb up and down. After many trips, she became tired and irritated and began thinking that she would have to try this bread for herself!

Finally, once again at the top of the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking it might save her a trip, she yelled at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin, too?” “No,” croaked the old man, “But it’s starting to come to life.”

Full Monty – Breakfast

Posted August 25, 2014 By Exocet

A couple had been married for 62 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old man said to his wife, “Just think, sweetheart, we’ve been married for 62 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, “62 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said, “We were sitting here naked as the day!”

“Well…” his wife snickered, “What do you say, should we get naked?”

The old man nodded, and the two of them took all their clothes off and sat back down at the table. “You know, my love,” the old lady whispered breathlessly, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 62 years ago.” “I’m not surprised,” replied her husband. “One’s in your tea and the other’s in your egg!”

Female bikers bar.

Posted August 15, 2014 By Exocet

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the person who served him, “Hey, you want to hear a blonde girl joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind, you should know five things.

  • The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  • The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  • I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  • The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional body guard.
  • The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wish to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”

Unbelievable Act in Public.

Posted February 18, 2013 By Exocet

I couldn’t believe what I saw outside my window!
JD01

 

JD02

I had to zoom in, no one in their right mind would do such a thing.

JD03

yes I think I know what they are doing, it’s unbelievable they are doing this, but let’s be sure.

 

JD04

Yes I know it, I’m almost convinced at what they are doing, it’s disgraceful.

Oh my god!, they are, they are actually doing it.

 
JD05

Oh my oh my! I’m right! They are actually drinking JD and coke without ICE!!!

How shameful.

 

 

 

 

 

Sense of Freshness at the Supermarket.

Posted February 21, 2012 By Exocet

Due to the economic climate companies have had to get that “extra” to improve the sales and exposure to the buying public. One such food chain decided to introduce the  ambience that is associated with  foodstuffs.

It has an automatic water misting machine to keep the produce fresh and just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain, passing by the milk, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

The meat department there is the sound of sizzling and an aroma of charcoal grilled steak with onions. When you approach the eggs case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh-baked bread and buns. Naturally passing by the Tea you can pickup the aroma of brewing tea and in the coffee racks is the wonderful smell of freshly percolated coffee.

 

 

 

I go to another store to buy Toilet paper.

A great Pub!

Posted November 13, 2011 By Exocet

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a Pub. They are having a good time and all agree that the Pub is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, “this is a nice Pub, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At Maguire‘s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and Maguire himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice Pub, but where I come from, there’s a better bar. In Naples, there’s this place, Luciano’s. At Luciano’s, you buy a drink, Luciano buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Luciano buys you anudda drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great?
Where I come from, there’s this place, Kowowski’s. At Kowowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, they buy you your fourth drink and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” said the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”
“No,” replied the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”

Wines of Wal-Mart

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering a new discount item, Wal-Mart’s own wine.

The U.S.A’s. largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of CA, to produce spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but “there IS a market for cheap wine”, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: “The right name is important.”

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for Wal-Mart brand.

Top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

  1. Chateau Traileur Parc.
  2. White Trashfindel.
  3. Big Red Gulp.
  4. World Championship Riesling.
  5. NASCARbernet.
  6. Chef Boyardeaux.
  7. Peanut Noir.
  8. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar.
  9. Grape Expectations.
  10. Nasti Spumante.

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

Chilli cookout contest

Posted March 10, 2004 By Exocet

Pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the car park at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Thomas, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast of New Jersey.

Thomas: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event.

Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli.

  • Judge1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
  • Judge2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
  • Judge3 (Tom) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Arthur’s Afterburner Chilli.

  • Judge1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
  • Judge2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
  • Judge3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli.

  • Judge1. Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
  • Judge2. A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
  • Judge3. Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Bubba’s Black Magic.

  • Judge1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
  • Judge2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
  • Judge3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT… just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac.

Linda’s Legal Lip Remover.

  • Judge1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
  • Judge2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
  • Judge3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety.

  • Judge1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
  • Judge2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
  • Judge3 I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chilli.

  • Judge1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
  • Judge2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
  • Judge3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chilli.

  • Judge1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
  • Judge2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chilli?

If restaurants functioned like Micro$oft

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet

Customer: “Waiter!”
Waiter: “Hi, my name is Bill and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “There’s a fly in my soup!”
Waiter: “Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.”

Customer:” No, it’s still there.”
Waiter: “Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.”

Customer: “Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.”
Waiter: “Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?”

Customer: “A SOUP bowl!”
Waiter: “Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?”

Customer: “You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?”
Waiter: “Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?”

Customer: “I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!”
Waiter: “Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?”

Customer: “You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?”
Waiter: “Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.”

Customer: “Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.”

Customer: “Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the Bill. I’m running late now.”
Waiter “leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the Bill.”
Waiter: “Here you are, Sir. The soup and your Bill.”

Customer: “This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.”

Customer: “Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.]”

Customer “Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!”

The Bill
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  £5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day . . . . . . £2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . £10.00
Bug in the soup……..included at no extra charge.
(will be fixed with Tomorrow’s soup of the day).


Problem Reason or probable cause Suggested remedy
Drinking fails to give satisfaction or taste. Front of shirt wet. Mouth not open while drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. Buy another pot & practice in front of mirror (repeat until technique perfected)
Drink fails to give satisfaction or taste.
Beer unusually pale and clear.
Glass empty. Find someone to buy you another drink.
Feet cold and wet Glass being held at wrong angle. Turn glass so that open end is upwards.
Feet warm and wet Loss of self control. Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain to owner and demand a drink in compensation.
Bar blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass. As for number 2
Bar swaying. Air turbulence unusually high maybe due to darts match in
progress.
Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Bar moving You are being carried out. Find out if being taken to another pub, if not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has light
fittings in it.
You have fallen over backwards. If your glass is full and drinking arm free stay put.. If not
get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar.
Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of fag ends
and broken teeth.
You have fallen over forwards As for number 8
You feel sharp pains in your rear. You are standing too close to the pool table. Ask to have the pool table moved.
Everything is going dark. The pub is closing 1. Panic
2. Find another pub fast
3. Rush to Off Licence
You wake up and find your bed hard cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. You’ve spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if it is opening time, if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Bear