Animals Archive

Comfortable.

Posted October 5, 2015 By Exocet

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving for the auctions, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll fax you to drive out after me and transport it home.”

The brunette arrives at the auctions, inspects the bulls, and decides she wants to buy one. Eventually she finally gets a prize bull for £499.00.

After buying the bull, she drives to the town to send her sister a fax to tell her the news. She walks into a facsimile bureau, and says, “I want to send a facsimile to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the horsebox to our pickup and drive out here so we can take it home.”

The fax operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s £2.50 a fax.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has £1.00 left. She explains this to the operator and he said he would let her send one word for the £1.00 she has remaining. She realises that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”. The facsimile operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to transport that bull back to your farm if you send her the word, comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word is big, she’ll read it slow and read it as com for da bul.”

Monkey eats everything in a Pub bar.

Posted September 21, 2015 By Exocet

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The publican screams at the man, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my snooker table, whole!” “Sorry,” replied the man. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a Glace cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it. The publican is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “Yeah,” replies the man. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.”

Mr Bear, Mr Rabbit and the golden Frog.

Posted November 28, 2014 By Exocet

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don’t like each other. One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest are female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear’s second wish is that all the bears in the forest are uncontrollably attracted to him. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear’s final wish is that he has a very high libido and sex drive. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, “I wish that Mr. Bear is gay!” and rides off.

Pig Story.

Posted February 18, 2013 By Exocet

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and  the brick pig.

pig01

 

 

 

 

pig02One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw  pig”s house and said, “I’m going to huff and puff and blow your house down.” And he did!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig”s house and said, “Please   let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.” So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

 

 

 

pig03Just then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m going to huff and puff and blow your house down.”
And he did!

So  the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig”s house  and said, “Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!”


So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The  wolf said, “I’m
going to huff and puff and blow your house down.”

pig04The straw  pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the  phone and made a call.

A  few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up..

Out  step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and  fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet  threw his sorry ass into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and  drove off.

 

 

 

 

pig06

 

Vet’s waiting room.

Posted March 26, 2012 By Exocet

Three dogs, a Black Labrador, Golden Retriever and a Great Dane. Were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the Retriever and said, “So why are you here?” The Retriever replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything, The sofa, the curtains, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The black Lab said, “So what’s the vet going to do?” “Going to cut my nuts off” came the reply from the Retriever. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”
The Golden Retriever then turned to the Black Lab and asked, “Why are you here?”

The Black Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners’ couch.”

“So what are they going to do to you?” the Retriever inquired. “Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, “Why are you here?
“I’m a humper”, said the Great Dane. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.” Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away.” The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, “So, it’s nuts off for you too, eh?”

The Great Dane said, “No, apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped.”

Definition of a Cat and a Dog

Posted January 10, 2012 By Exocet

Definition of  a Cat

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They are totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They are moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.


 Definition of a dog?

1. Dog’s spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a mile away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for the crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION:
Cat’s are tiny little women in fur coats.
Dog’s are tiny little men in fur coats.

Hot Gorilla

Posted December 1, 2011 By Exocet

A simpleton who had previously been unemployable for twenty years managed to get a job and was working at a Zoo. he was assigned to the monkey house and it was there that the head keeper stated a female gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it, would he consider shagging it for £500?
The simpleton replied “I will do it on 3 conditions”, these being ;

1. I won’t kiss it.
2. My family must never find out and.
3. I need a couple of weeks to get the money together.”

Micky, Minnie and Donald.

Posted December 1, 2011 By Exocet

While Mickey was away on a business trip, Donald got Minnie to join him in a motel for a dirty weekend, but when they get unpacked they realise they have no condoms.

Donald calls the reception and asks for condoms, the receptionist says “Shall I put them on your Bill?” to which Donald replied “Don’t be thuckin thtupid I would thuffocate!”

Golden Retriever.

The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?


Border Collie

Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.


Dachshund.

You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!


Rotweiler.

Make me!


Boxer.

Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


Labrador.

Oh, me, oh me! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?  Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


German Shepeherd.

I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.


Jack Russell Terrier.

I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.


Old English Sheep Dog

Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!


Cocker Spaniel

Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


Chihuahua.

Yo quiero Taco Bulb. No necesitamos ninguna bombilla que apesta
“We don’t need no stinking light bulb.”


Greyhound.

It isn’t moving. Who cares?


Australian Shepherd.

First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…


Poodle.

I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


A Cats answer to how many Cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Pussy Cat.

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is,  “How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”

Why Cats are like Humans

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet

Just like Humans, Lions go through the same 3 Basic stages of a Relationship with a Female.


These being

Engaged


Married


Divorce.

See! Just like Humans.

The most dangerous snake in the world

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet

Name.
Expectera Trouserius (Trouser Snake)

Location.
Throughout the World

Description.
One eyed, with mushroom shaped head (some types have extra layers of skin, colouring varies from pale pink to yellow and black. length varies from 3″ (76mm) to 12″ (300mm.

Symptoms.
This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen, resulting in a inconspicuos lump appearing, then severe swelling followed by severe pain after nine months.
The attack is not usually fatal.

N.B.
This snake has been known to attack men in the lower rear area.

Habitat.
Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in most unusual places, on rare occasions found in the Toilets of commercial aircraft.

Antidote.

Various vaccines are available that work well for Women, however, once the Venom is injected into the body, drastic measures will be required to ensure complete recovery.
There is no antidote for Men.

What not to do when attacked.
Do not apply a tourniquet as the Venom is too deep in the body to be effective.

Cutting the wound.
This would be completely unecessary as the bleeding will stop after 2-3 weeks.

Sucking the wound.
This method is very popular with the victim, but evidence shows this has never led to any success.

Obtaining Anit-venom.
Place four fingers of right or left hand around the neck of the snake with the thumb in front.
Grip firmly and move hand in an upward and downward motion, The snake will become highly agressive, very rigid and start spitting venom. Once the snake is milked it will remain harmless for around 20minutes or so.

Conclusion.
This snake, although agressive and active is not necessarily a vermin, but treated with the right care and respect will make a wonderful pet.

Lost Dog appeal

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet

Most of you are dog lovers and will help us. A friend has lost her Chihuahua and is desperate to find him. She does a lot of traveling and always takes her dog with her.

The Dog disapeared Yesterday, while she was sitting on the couch watching TV, she called out for her puppy with no response, and the back door was open, the dog has not been seen since.

She has been putting up signs everywhere. If you see this dog, please let me know and I will notify her.

Click for View

Dog and Cat Diaries

Posted March 8, 2004 By Exocet

Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary
DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

DAY 762
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was, Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time

Mad Cows disease test.

Posted March 7, 2004 By Exocet

A Guide to help you ensure you are choosing the best healthy cow for your beef table


Healthy Cow

Suspect

Suspect


Monkey Business.

Posted March 7, 2004 By Exocet

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey any of that joint left?”

The Monkey looks down and says “Fuuuuuuuuck! Duuuude!…….
How much water did you drink?”

How to give Cats & Dogs, a Pill.

Posted March 7, 2004 By Exocet

CATS:
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve Cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the Hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for Animal Protection Agency to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOGS:
Wrap it in bacon.

Kermit’s Loan

Posted March 7, 2004 By Exocet

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack. So he says, “Ms.Whack, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.”

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says “£120,000.” The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that £120,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She ask if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, “Sure, I have this.” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £120,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what the heck is this?”

The bank manager looks back at her and says:
“It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

Bear