Funstuff Archive

Romance

Posted February 7, 2019 By Exocet

A Wife was lying in bed one night as her husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, the husband reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my Neck.”
Angrily, the husband threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed and proceeded to the bathroom.

“Where are you going?” the wife asked.
“To get my teeth!” the husband replied.

Crashed Harley, the nurse, and the Wife!

Posted February 1, 2019 By Exocet

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for (I thought I was in heaven).

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess”

Pacific Cruise ships sinks

Posted January 26, 2019 By Exocet

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it.After a while, Jim and Tom’s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So, they buried Susie.

Frozen Windows

Posted January 23, 2019 By Exocet

A Wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning:
Windows frozen, won’t open.”

The Husband texts back:
“Gently pour lukewarm water over it, and then gently tap edges with a hammer.”

After around 10 minutes or so the Wife texts back:
“Computer really messed up now and there is smoke coming from the back of it.”

Seniors never get enough exercise.

Posted January 20, 2019 By Exocet

In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.

God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

One sale on first day.

Posted August 15, 2018 By Exocet

A young guy from a small country village moves to the big City and goes to a big “Everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman back in my village.”

The boss was a little unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

“How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One.”

The boss says, “Just one!” “Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here. One sale a day might have been acceptable in your village, but you’re not on the farm anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, the boss seeing this felt bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?” The kid looks up at his boss and says “£212,237.65.”

The boss, astonished, says, “£212,237.65!” “What the hell did you sell him?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 off road truck.”

The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him some additional rods, a boat and a TRUCK?”

The kid looked up at the boss and said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing and sold him the stuff I just told you.”

The Text message.

Posted August 8, 2018 By Exocet

A Guy receives a text from his neighbour by way of guilt confession.

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.
I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face to face. I’m telling you in this text, & I can’t live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.

The truth is that, when you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, & I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt & hope you’ll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I’ll pay you as I am getting it now.
Regards Richard.

After reading the text, Fred was so angry & betrayed, he threw his phone to the ground and it switched itself off, grabbed his shotgun, went next door and shot his neighbour killing him instantly. He went back home and shot his wife with both barrels. He poured himself a stiff drink, picked up his phone, switched it on again and sat down on the sofa to call Police about what he had done.

As his phoned burst back into life he got another text come through, when he read the text from his now deceased neighbour, the second text message read as follows.

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the Auto Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”
Technology eh! It’ll be the death of us all.
Regards, Richard.

Senior Citizen and the Receptionist.

Posted July 31, 2018 By Exocet

There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her/him what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Well 70-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?” “There’s something wrong with my dick”, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.” “Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people, you should have said  there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.” The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear.” The old man stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken the given advice. “What is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter!

2 Boys and the Tampons

Posted August 4, 2017 By Exocet

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight”, the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.” “Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin. “Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”

Facinate

Posted May 1, 2017 By Exocet

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my Grandfathers farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not fascinating.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

Tickle Me Elmo toys.

Posted March 5, 2017 By Exocet

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

A Blonde Woman called Anita is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door, the foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Anita surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles, the two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter, after several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Anita. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday, your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

Twenty pounds is twenty pounds.

Posted February 25, 2017 By Exocet

Bill and his wife Teresa go to the county air show every year, and every year Bill would say, “Teresa, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Teresa always replied,” I know Bill, but the helicopter ride is twenty pounds, and twenty pounds is twenty pounds.”

One year Bill and Teresa went to the fair, and Bill said, “Teresa, I’m 75 years old, If I don’t get a ride in the helicopter I might never get another chance.” To this, Teresa replied, “Bill that helicopter ride is twenty pounds, and twenty pounds is twenty pounds”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny. But if you say one word then you pay twenty pounds.”

Bill and Teresa agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, “Wow, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t, I’m impressed.” Bill replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Teresa fell out, but, twenty pounds is twenty pounds.”

Why some elderly folk are alone at Christmas

Posted November 27, 2016 By Exocet

Christmas is a time of families and friends to gather and exchange gifts (or not) and join in the spirit of Christmas cheer except a few who will remain alone at this festive time of year.

Here is one reason why.

Hot work cleaning the church.

Posted October 14, 2016 By Exocet

Several Nuns were busying themselves cleaning and decorating the local church, it was a very hot summers day and the nuns were getting exhausted working in their habits in the heat. They decided to lock the church doors and strip down to their underwear whereby they could continue the work during the hot summer afternoon stopping only to take some refreshing tea.

After they had stopped for some lunch they continued with the tasks in hand when a heavy knocking was heard at the church doors, silence fell upon the nuns who were a little surprised as they were still only wearing underwear.

The Sister Superior approached the door and asked who was there, to which the reply came “It’s the blind man”, realising it was safe to let him in she unlocked the door and let the blind man in. As he entered the church he turned to the Sister superior and said “Nice tits, where do you want the blinds?”

Drinking 3 Pints at a time.

Posted July 20, 2016 By Exocet

A Ground worker walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Ground worker replies, “Well now, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.”

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Ground worker becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Ground worker looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Its me, I’ve quit drinking”!

Turpentine vs. Holy Water.

Posted June 19, 2016 By Exocet

A little boy was sitting on  a footpath with a bottle of Turpentine, he was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and saw what the boy was doing and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, “This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called Turpentine.”
The Priest said, “No it’s not, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.”

The little boy replied, “Well the thing is, if you rub turpentine on a cat’s Testicles , he’ll pass a Harley Davidson!”

Hells Angel becomes a Jehovas Witness

Posted March 14, 2016 By Exocet

A Hardened Hells Angel was getting very pissed off at people knocking his door at 8am Sunday mornings so he decide to go to the Jehovas Church and sort them out.

He got on his bike and went to the church, where he was greeted and fed and given coffee after some time he became a follower.

He now spends his Sunday Mornings knocking on peoples door and tells them to fuck off!

Elderly couples, lodger.

Posted November 25, 2015 By Exocet

An older couple living in a small rural town took on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. They lived in a very small house, and there was no indoor plumbing. The girl asked if she could have a bath, and the woman of the house explained that she and her husband took baths in a tin bathtub in front of the living room fireplace.

“Monday would be the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl,” the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young thing didn’t have any pubic hair. She told her husband when he came home, but he didn’t believe her.

The woman said, “Next week, when you go off to bowl, I’ll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?”

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, “Do you shave down there?”

“No,” replied the girl, “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair on yours?” “Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she showed the girl her hairy muff.

After the girl had gone to bed, the husband came home and the wife asked, “Well, did you see it?” “Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours?”

“Why not?” she replied, “You’ve seen it before.” “I know,” he said, “but the rest of the bowling team hadn’t!”

The writing’s in the snow.

Posted October 12, 2015 By Exocet

Father looks out the window sees writing in the snow. He gets furious and yells for his wife to come and look for herself.

“What’s the matter, dear,” his wife asks. “It’s our daughter’s new boyfriend, he’s written his name in the snow with pee.”

“Oh dear,” the wife said, “But that’s not so bad really, he must care for her to do that.”

But the Father was not amused and stated “But it’s in her own handwriting!”

Comfortable.

Posted October 5, 2015 By Exocet

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving for the auctions, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll fax you to drive out after me and transport it home.”

The brunette arrives at the auctions, inspects the bulls, and decides she wants to buy one. Eventually she finally gets a prize bull for £499.00.

After buying the bull, she drives to the town to send her sister a fax to tell her the news. She walks into a facsimile bureau, and says, “I want to send a facsimile to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the horsebox to our pickup and drive out here so we can take it home.”

The fax operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s £2.50 a fax.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has £1.00 left. She explains this to the operator and he said he would let her send one word for the £1.00 she has remaining. She realises that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”. The facsimile operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to transport that bull back to your farm if you send her the word, comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word is big, she’ll read it slow and read it as com for da bul.”

Dad brings home a roadkill for dinner.

Posted September 28, 2015 By Exocet

A man driving home late on night kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is.

The dad said, “This is a different kind of meat for dinner and I want you to guess what it is.” The dad added “I will give you a clue, it’s what mummy calls me sometimes. “The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. It’s an arsehole!”

Monkey eats everything in a Pub bar.

Posted September 21, 2015 By Exocet

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The publican screams at the man, “Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my snooker table, whole!” “Sorry,” replied the man. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for everything.”

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he’s in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a Glace cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out and eats it. The publican is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “Yeah,” replies the man. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first.”

Pub competition

Posted September 14, 2015 By Exocet

A stranger in town walks into a Pub and notices a large jar stuffed to the brim with £20 bank notes. The man approaches the publican and asks, “What’s the deal with the jar?”

“Well, you pay £20, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.” “What are the three tests?” asks the man, the publican replies “you have to pay first.” So the stranger gives him the £20, and the Publican adds it to the jar.

“OK, here’s what you have to do.

First, you have to drink that whole bottle of  Spiced Rum,  the whole bottle at once, and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a Rottweiler chained up out back with a bad tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare  hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You have to make things right for her.”

“Well, I know I’ve paid my £20,” says the man, “but I’m not an idiot! No wonder you’ve collected so much money, that’s impossible.”

The stranger proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets drunk enough to do the tasks in hand.

“Whereth  that bottle ov rum?” Slurs the stranger.

He grabs the bottle of spiced rum with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the Pub hears a huge scuffle outside, awful screaming, growling and yelping. Then it suddenly went silent.

Just when everyone in the pub thought the stranger must be dead, he staggers back into the pub with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body. He gave the Publican a hardened determined look and said “whereth  that old lady with the bad tooth?”

Man downs six double Vodka’s in Pub.

Posted September 7, 2015 By Exocet

A guy walks into a pub and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.” The barman says, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.” “Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders eight double vodkas. The barman says, “Bloody hell, doesn’t anybody in your family like women?” The man downs the first drink and slowly shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

Satan attends a Sunday worship

Posted September 1, 2015 By Exocet

A few minutes before the services started, the people were sitting in their pews and talking prior to the Vicar attending his services. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church, everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Within seconds, everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yes of course I do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked. “No I am not.” said the man.
“Don’t you realise I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan. “Don’t doubt it for a minute.” Replied the man in a calm voice.

“Don’t you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?” insisted Satan. “Yes of course I do.” The man replied.

“You’re still not afraid?” asked Satan. “No I am not.” Replied the man.

Satan was somewhat  disturbed by this man’s lack of fear finally asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man calmly looked Satan in the eye and replied, “Been married to your sister for the last 42 years.”

Bear